RAH,
Sounds like an excellent plan.
My advice would be to remove your references to the state agency errors or outdated guidance, like in these sentences: "Counter to the outdated official recommendations from some universities and state government agencies, ..."
Your writing is clear and CORRECT. However, you are trying to win over the agency people. In my experience, state agency people do not like to be shown they are wrong. (Of course, almost nobody likes to be shown that they are wrong.)
Change things to a positive note, such as - "... new research has shown very encouraging results ..."
If you post a draft I expect you would get lots of crowd-sourced revisions from the PB experts that might further tighten up your paper!
Good luck on this worthy project!
