Pond Boss Forums INTRO Questions & Observations Humor for those of us with cabin fever

They're back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
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Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions.
She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing:
"Break Forth Into Joy."
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several
new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person
you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00pm - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7pm there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the
Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10am. All ladies are invited to
lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7pm. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
Basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours

Jose Cuervo Cookies:
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
1 tsp lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequilla

Sample the Cuervo to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar.. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit off floor...
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl out, finish the Jose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.


Ok, I know I have it bad tonight!!!

Okay, this is all so scary and true!

You Know you're "Living in 2005" when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.

AND THE REAL CLINCHER IS:

13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

The other side of Debra has finally surfaced. She seems to be entertaining when she is not getting constantly picked on.

Thank goodness! For a moment, I feared another PB'er slipping to the dark side of multiple personalities. We already have our hands full supporting Theo, Theo and Theo.

Thanks Deb!! Those church postings are a hoot.

Warning!
Some inappropriate language.
Some INTERESTING content if you can wade through the MUCK!
http://media.putfile.com/petaBS

It seems to me the more relaxed side of everyone is revealing itself once the improvements were made to the forum page.

Its nice to have fun on a page and still obtain and pass on needed information. I loved the church posting Deb!

Have another shot of Jose for me and I'll try to make those cookies this weekend.

Boy, Deb, Things must be getting slow in your ghost bunking and debunking business.

Yes Bill I suffer from CPD (colorful personality disorder). ALL of my personalities get along well.


Dave we (SGH) took a break during the holidays but will be back at it on the 21st. Headed back to Brunswick to do a second investigation. During the first one I got an EVP that called me a "bad witch". And to think I am a Methodist. For those who have not heard an EVP just search for them on google. Some are mumbled, but a lot are clear as a bell. I take my "second job" pretty serious. A lot of people are scared of the things that happen without explanation in their homes. We try to provide comfort. I have had A LOT of neat (and bizarre) experiences with the team. We don't do seances or Quiji boards just try to provide answers. Some can quickly be explained as atmosphere or technology, but others...
I won't go in depth because you all know how I can rattle on. Let's just say it is an interesting break from my daily routine.

Thanks Deb.

I just heard some EVPs after doing a google search as you suggested.

Now I'm afraid to turn my stereo on, and I think my toaster oven just told me to "get out."

Sounds scarrrry ! Kinda like Dr. F's hoodoo crosses or the lady of the lake that floats across the lake on a fog bank just before daylight.

Actually EVP's are rather easy to get (sometimes). They don't come through your toaster, but do sometimes come through "white noise" on your TV, answering machine, or stereo. It is common belief (among the believers) that spirits use this white noise to aid in vocal manifistation. If someone does not believe in the parallel spirit realm I don't find them at fault. I do suggest they "try it" before they dismiss it, or at the very least don't condemn it without taking the leap first.
Sunil if you are REALLY interested in this just get a handheld analog recorder and microphone that extends out from the recorder (total cost of about $25.00 at WalMart). Put the recorder on the floor in a room with the microphone extended out. Ask a few questions outloud (you may feel silly at first), then leave the room. Come back about 30 minutes later, and you might be surprised at what you get. Ask things like "Is anyone here", "what is your name", ...
Warning though: You may not want to do this in your own home because you might not really want to know who is there. Cemetaries are good starting points not because dead folks live there, but because many people visit cemetaries (while still alive) to visit with their past friends and relatives. These are high places of energy and emotion. It is also a good idea to go out on a new moon. The darkness (versus a full moon) might actually aid you in seeing orbs, vortexes, or actual manifestations.
If you really want to get into it just call me or email me. I will help you however I can. It is really a neat experience. To date (knock on wood) I have not come across a hostile force. It is our team policy that if this does happen we will leave immediately and refer the case to a church.
Happy hunting!!!

Eric I have only been scared on one occasion. Everything else has been rather peaceful. The one time I got scared (or surprised really) was in the loft of an 19th century home at the Agrirama in Tifton. It was about 2:00 AM, and about 6 of the team members were sitting around on the floor just asking questions. I had investigated this home before and have (still do) always felt very comfortable there. Seven children out of fourteen had died there, but they were always playful with us (rocking chairs, moving stuff around, ...). I made the mistake of asking if one of them wanted to come sit by me (up in the loft). Less than a minute later I felt a small hand squeeze mine. Needless to say it startled me. Later on when we reviewed the video we had been taking, a noticeable vortex appeared next to me on the film right after I asked the question. Then you could see me jump side ways on the video (all in infrared). I was more embarrassed that I reacted that way than I was scared of the event.

Heck, ghosts are people too right!

Deb, I'm thinking that this method of EVP audio recording can be used as a method to post-determine/verify why certain fish kills have occured.

Only if fish could talk sweetheart!

I'm thinking Sunil might be fluent in SMB talk.

Sunil regularly speaks to his fish.

They silently chuckle to themselves and think "look at the human move his lips".

We have so many talented people onboard I'm not sure anything is impossible. Sunil has and talks to his smart SMB. Theo aka Dr. Doolittle talks to CB1's dog Lassie. Dr. F talks to his toothed BG so they won't chew off his leg. We all talk to pirates. Bob talks Okla. LMB into going into the deep freeze in N.Y. Many of us talk (in non repeateable language) to unwanted pond critters like water turekys , beaver , muskrats , nutria , copperheadedrattlemoccasins and herrons. If only we could talk to and understand our kids as well -- just kidding.

Where is that copperheadedrattlemoccasin reference? That one was funny. It should be in the "Thanks....and farewell" thread.

Here you go Bruce. That one post has lots of funny snake stories.

http://www.pondboss.com/ubb/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=20;t=001215#000011

I got really hot clearing some brush this weekend, so I jumped in the pond for a swim. When I came to the other shore, a pretty big head of a Copperheaded Rattlemocassin popped out of the water about 5 ft away from me. Now I know that it was a Copperheaded Rattlemocassin, because as my friend tells me that that is the name of any snake that scares the heck out of you. Apparently, they come in variety of colors, shapes and sizes.

Normally, my yellow lab swims circles around me, when I go for a swim. This time he didn't stand a chance, as I was hightailing it out of there so fast that I must have hydroplained.

[ October 18, 2004, 03:10 PM: Message edited by: Ed Richter ]

Ok...I give up!

Sunil get your "WalMart gear" that I described above, head out to the pond on a new moon at about midnight, and talk your special SMB talk. Pause about thirty seconds between questions (to allow the SMB ghosts to respond), and watch out for the copperheadedrattlemoccasins.

Good luck and report back!

Yes, of course I talk to my fish. Doesn't everyone????

Bruce might have been right on though. I do get the impression that they are thinking "silly, silly human," when I try to have a conversation with them.

This is only true assuming that SMB stands for Super Mondo Bullshat.

I not only talk to mine, they do a fish-karaoke form of reply. Either that or the Siren's Song I hear at the pond is due to Emergency vehicles on the State Route running by the farm. :p

Dr. Doolittle :

What do fish sing about -- is it about silly , silly humans --did I hear something about sirens from emergency vehicles on there way to take humans to the funny farm ! After all arn't we all a little bit crazy!

Kinda on the subject (kinda :rolleyes: ) but I remember a joke from years ago about two fish discussing UFO abduction. One fish (we will call him Bubba) told another fish (we will call him Fred) that he had been abducted by aliens. He said he was just swimming around the pond one day when a beautiful worm crossed his path. Next thing he knew he had come face to face with an alien in a pair of overalls. He said the alien had flipped him over, measured and weighed him, squeezed him just slightly, and then put him back in the pond. Fred the fish said "yeh, whatever" and swam far away.

Makes you wonder what fish think of us.

Eric you are right, we are all crazy. If everyone was sane the world would be very dull. Insanity is a plus in most cases. Of course this comes from a biologist/ghost hunter/divorcee/nut bar with multiple personalities (that respect each other and get along quite well in most instances ).