Higher education, as we all know, is expensive. Many take out student loans, work part-time, or "advance" inheritances from rich relatives in order to pay for their education.

It can now be revealed that our own beloved Dr. Condello worked his way through Dental School as an actor in B-Movies (Well, actually they were more like D- Movies, but I don't want to hurt Bruce's feelings) as proved by this still from the MST3K version of Coleman Francis' immoral - er - immortal epic story of greed, lust, light aircraft, and coffee, "Red Zone Cuba."

Can I ask why there are two aliens and one human watching my movie?

I made two hundred bucks for the gig, but I got to co-star with Ava Gardner. She was a great kisser.

Ava Gardner

Ahh, the good ole days. No pyrotechnics, lazer lights, subliminal visual effects needed.

I can't believe they paid you, I would have kissed her for free! :rolleyes: :p

Now that is what I call "high cost"!

Wow what a babe! but I've always been a sucker for brunettes anyway. All the females in my family are dumb blondes so I married a smart brunette.

If you will look closely, you will note that both pictures are of the same person, no doubt a transvestite.

So sad.........

Hey if he, I me she, I mean --- whatever's -- happy...

Bruce and Ava Gardner actually the same person ... hmmm.

That would explain all those pictures of Bruce On the Beach:

Nobody has answered my questions about the aliens.

Bruce- Because that is Mystery Science Theater's cast and commentary. The three super intelligent though somewhat alien stars of the show, make wise and insightful comments about the quality of the acting, filming and production of the movie. :rolleyes: :p

From left to right, (Bruce, Brettski, and other non-MSTies) that's Tom Servo, Mike (Nelson), and Crow T. Robot. Tom and Crow are both robots built (in life and on the show) on a budget - Tom is mostly a gumball machine and Crow is a plastic bowling pin and a lacrosse mask (Chip Rowland could use him for structure).

MST3K ran from roughly 1988 to 1999, on KTMA (Minneapolis/St. Paul), Comedy Central, and the Sci-Fi Channel.

...I still say it looks like an anorexic Popeye in a tinfoil tiara

OK, you guys. I'm splittin' a major gut here.

Oh my gosh!! I just realized that I think Theo is actually serious about this!!!

Are you?

Can we puleeze get back on topic concerning the high cost of Dental school?

You're killin' me, Smalls.

Who's going to school?

Can we please see Bruce in a wig and that outfit so we can make a real comparison? :p

Theo- I saw MST2K on a few months ago, on one of my many channels.

Of course I'm serious! You think I make this stuff up?

GShiners eating FA, CC mouth sizes, catching GC on worms - that stuff I MIGHT make up.

MST3K, Tanning Spas for Mummies, Cecil's Alien Abduction - that's all deadly serious.

Dental school WAS really expensive.

More evidence of Dr. Condello's former acting career has come to light. He co-starred opposite the lovely Fran Drescher as Maxwell Sheffield for several years in The Nanny. Bruce certainly has all the luck working with pretty brunettes! And he cleans up pretty good from the fishing photos.

Ahhh, those were the days. Of all the really cute women that I costarred with the best kissers were Fran Drescher, Ava Gardner and Hedy Lamarr. Years and years of toiling away on silent film projects finally opened the door for me to these great projects--ultimately yielding me the biggest apple of all--two episodes on The Love Boat.

I bought my education online and saved a bundle just don't tell any of my patients.

James, I thought about getting a juris doctor degree by using box tops or going online. I figured I could do divorces a lot cheaper than the going rate.

Along with that I have often wondered about the requirements to incorporate as my own city. That way, I figured to get rich selling beer in a dry county. Also, I could have an election and vote myself in as a judge. That just might go hand in hand with my newfound legal status. And, like other Texas cities, future or planned growth would necessitate annexation of neighboring properties (buncha jerks with roaming dogs). Evidently, the ability to set and collect taxes doesn't mean that any actual services have to be provided.

BTW, my wife is a paralegal and has steadfastly refused to assist me with any legal research. Narrow mindedness I think.

Bruce what are the French benefits that we don't get? Is ignorance bliss?

There was this great commercial that I saw like two times. There was the guy in the office that is always wrong about things (that's me) and the other people in the office are explaining all of his misunderstandings to him. I only remember where they're saying "We get fringe benefits, it's not French benefits, and it's the leaning tower of Pisa, not the leaning tower of pizza".

Then he says "You mean we don't get French benefits"?

I laughed so hard when I saw that it just stuck in my brain.

Dear Rona Gallus,
Is it true that Bruce's fine thespian work with primetime shows like MST2K and The Nanny have provided the springboard an actor of his caliber needs to vault to the highest of all Hollywood aspirations? Can you confirm the tinseltown buzz that Bruce's boyishly good looks, Peter Sellers charisma, and big hair have firmly positioned him as the next James Bond? Is it true that he is starring in the lead role as -007 in the feature film Goldenrod, the next Bond thriller about an ordinary fly-fisherman leading a double life as a secret-agent with a license to fish? I look forward to seeing his dashing good looks once again on the silver screen, his goldenrod catching fish one day and foiling the bad guys the next. Is it also true that the screenplay will be penned by the famous literary duo of Burgermeister and Heronblu? I hear Lou Heronblu is being courted by the Hollywood moguls to come out of retirement and rejoin Burgermeister to write this blockbuster. I surely hope so; Ian Fleming's earlier portrayals were flimsy and bland by comparison.

It's all true, Brettski. Bruce is slated to be the new Bond, provided his prima-donna-esque demands can be met by the studio. In detail, these are:

1) Hedy Lamar and Ava Gardner to be reanimated, cloned, or exhumed as zombies to star as the film's "Bond Girls". Hedy is to play to evil Bond Girl, Berry A-lure-ing, while Ava is to be the good Bond Girl, Dr. Ima Goodbait.

2) Bond Villian Icthian Redear, to be portrayed by the late Boris Karloff (or his Chiropractor in a cape), must threaten Bond with death by immersion in a freshwater tank of 5,000 ... no, I can't give it away.

3) No aliens, gumball machines, or lacrosse equipment to be allowed in the first row at the theaters.

4) Bond's favorite drink to be shown as Diet Mountain Dew, "shaken, not stirred".

Bruce as Goldenrod, I like it. To bad William Conrad is dead, he could have been Bruce's stunt double. As I remember he looked pretty mean fly fishing in a set of waders on TV when I was a kid. Sorry I couldn’t locate a picture of old Cannon in waders. Maybe someone else can find one.

Today you are a man, my son!

I couldn't find any pix of William Conrad either, but there is this one of Bruce with Buddy Ebsen:

Bruce is the one on the left.

"On Goldenrod Pond" an HB/BM production

Once upon a time in a land for away...cut

In the deep, dark depths of his troubled mind...wait

Little Red, Riding in the Hood...fugetaboutit!

Help me out Heronblu. I need a JD..hold the DMD

It was the best of times and the worst of times -- no that won't work either.

Where is "Mudcat Joe " when you need him.

ROFLOL

Four score and seven....wait, that's no good either.

Call me Ishmael.....

i think the whole setting should be futuristic, outside the gravitational bonds of earth, where 007 must sabotage the network of spy and weapons satellites deployed by none other than the mailicous little dictator with the Napoleon complext, kim jong krill ........"A POND IN SPACE" an HB/BM production......i'll take a meagar consultants/royalites fee in small unmarked bills please

OMG...and its only October...what hapens as the winter blahs set in? Or do I really want to know? LSHIFIMP...= laughing so hard I fell in my pond. :p

Let me offer an long overdue explantion for the picture of myself with Mr. Ebsen.

As you can tell by the terse expressions, there wasn't much love lost between the two of us. In fact, this was the last picture ever taken of the two of us together. As most of you know, this picture was the cover of Look Magazine, aptly entitled "Ebsen Shut Out At Oscars".

During a younger more innocent time, Buddy and I (or as he preferred to be called, Pietr when in a playful mood) would spend evenings together over a red wine discussing pond management issues with Joe Paterno, who was a student manager/assistant at Morningside Teacher's College. Ebsen was always an advocate of the "throw the bluegills on the bank for the coons to eat" school, and would rarely back down from his position, even when shown scientific evidence to the contrary. Paterno would always inexplicably advocate a "Gafilte Fish" option which made no sense to any of us at the table, but sometimes the women would giggle at the mention. It was about this time that it became evident that Ebsen was developing a twitch in the left side of his face which I mistakenly identified as Tourette's syndrome when in the presence of paparazzi. Of course the press ran with this and it cost Ebsen some much needed respect in Hollywood which he would never regain. He never forgave me for this and the rest is history.

After the photo was taken there were many years without contact between Mr. Ebsen and myself. To my severe misfortune, though, Pietr got his ultimate revenge in the form of some misinformation from his agent that led me to ultimately turn down the role opposite Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. We all know that Gere failed miserably in his effort and that the movie might have been quite a hit had I played the lead.

Dr. Bruce,

Time to get the "happy gas" connections checked again at the office.

ROFLMAO

OMG I forgot what happens when I don't keep a regular check on you guys. When did someone start emailing/faxing DMD to all the members? The sugar intake slipped through the "diet" part.
I too am worried about the "cabin fever" days (if we survive that long, lol).

Deb

Bruce's eloquent delivery of spell binding stories is better than listening to Studs Terkel on NPR. I could read his posts over and over, then close my eyes as the characters come to life in my mind's eye. Donna-ski will often catch me dreamily living vicariously through Bruce's velvety posts. She, knowing of my transcendental yearning to walk through the monitor screen and join his stories, will often crack the back of my head with a pot or pan to cause the stars and birds that she knows add so very much to my cyber journey. The deep, therapeutic sleep that immediately ensues completes the cycle. Ahhh, refreshed again.

Brettski hun, were you by chance at Woodstock? And if so did you inhale? :p

edit: I think I might get edited tonight on my first trip back in awhile, lol.

OK, I did it. Good to see you back.

Deb why edit you - you edited yourself. :p

Its those gas happy pirates again. Just wait until they get on the gas and try to fry up those stuffed CSBG that CB1 created for Bruce. You will be able to hear the screaming and gnashing of teeth all the way from D.I.E.D.'s in Calif. to Russ's in N.Y. -- Rad may even be able to hear it in Chumpon Thailand . :p

A fine, fine piece of writing.

Nice

How did I miss this the first time through?? I am laughing my you know what off.

No mas, no mas!

Theo my hero I'm signing up for the convention when I wake up this afternoon. This thread pushed me right over the edge.

Just a brief update.

I was eating brunch at "Chez Guano" with Pat Swayze and Linda Lavin. We were taking verbal jabs at the group at the other table, namely that traveling circus they call the Baldwin Brothers, when, to my utter shock our meal is delivered to us by none other than Mr. Ebsen himself.

Well, I certainly didn't want to make a scene, so I gracefully accepted the food, a lovely roast duck and salsa, and proceeded to eat, resuming the original conversation. Ebsen walks off, almost as if he didn't notice that it was me.

Once the meal was completed, we headed to the door, and as was our custom, I expected Lavin to pick up the gratuity. Well, as fortune would have it, she assumed it was Swayze's turn, and that's where it all turned ugly.

Ebsen meets me at the door, nudges me square in the middle of the chest and says, "Hey, how 'bout a little something for the effort?"

Not wanting to embarrass my lady friend, I kept my head down and continued on my way to the safety of the open foyer just outside the door, but Ebsen would have none of it. Suddenly he goes into some kind of yellow-belt, confrontational pose, and even at his advanced age was a menacing sight to all of us. Six foot, six inches of geriatric whoop-butt comin' at me at the speed of sound! Just when I thought I was going to the wood shed, Ebsen reaches back and grabs his hamstring. Evidently Swayze had the piece of mind to slip his steak knife into the breast pocket of his smoking jacket. Once again one of Ebsen's evil plans was foiled, but for me, big lesson learned.

Swayze did learn a lot of street fighting techniques during the filming of Roadhouse.

That may just give me enough smile to make it to work this morning.

Dear Rona Gallus,
It has been months since my last correspondence, but Bruce's recent ill-fated encounter with Buddy Ebsen has really sent the TV-land crowd to buzzing. The first rumor was far fetched as Swyaze tried to convince the Hollywood press that Bruce's waiter was actually Don Knotts. Swayze purportedly fabricated a story about Knotts stopping Bruce at the restaurant door by screaming "citizen's arrest, citizen's arrest", fumbling at his shirt pocket for a bullet. I, knowing better and being a true Hollywood insider, was at that restaurant that evening; the duck with mango salsa was marvelous. I instantly recognized Ebsen. I should; he cleans my apartment on Mondays and Thursdays. Buddy has shared his come-back dream with me, a reprisal of the Beverly Hillbillys. Buddy is distrought over this unfortunate misunderstanding the night that he was stiffed by the Cannon table for three. His agent is working feverishly with Hollywood moguls to sign Bruce as the new Jethro Bodine in the pilot that Buddy will co-star in called The Nebraska Hillbillys. It will be filmed mostly on the old Bonanza set at the Conderosa. The cement pond that Ellie would use to play with the critters is being replaced by the bluegill pond, and Bruce (as Jethro) will continue to be identified in his trademark coveralls and rope belt.
-
Is this new blockbuster series going to be a reality? Will I need to find someone else to clean my apartment?

Hand over your heart when you say "Roadhouse".

*shrug*

"Holy Flashback Batman"

I though only Sunil and I (and perhaps Brettski) had flashbacks. Who'd a thunk that our mild mannered Dentist/Mad Scientist rubbed elbows with the Hollywood Icon crowd. I wonder if he has Paris on speed dial or is she already yesterdays news.

Dang some mornings I can still wake up and almost see the thick blue cloud of pungent smoke hanging low over the stadium as a spot lit Jimmy Page began the amazing "Dazed and Confused" guitar intro. As Sunil would say "the lights, ahhhhhh the lights....."

With that big, double neck Gibson.

I'm really surprised that nobody noticed something. This was taken during a period of my life that I was going through intense counseling. My disorder was known as "multishirtiphrenzia", which is essentially the disorder of the frontal lobe that makes you not realize you've already put a shirt on.



In this picture I actually only weigh 145 pounds, but by the time I had twenty-five to thirty shirts on I looked much heavier. This also cost me some excellent Hollywood roles.

I thought that's when he was bowing the Les Paul.

I am glad you have conqeured multishirtziphrenia, Bruce. The downside, as everyone who was in the bar in Arlington on Saturday night knows, is that now you only have one shirt to wear. The wrong one.

That's cold.

Bruce, I think the correct term is "harsh."

Theo is right though. You were all gussied up with that new shirt, planning on going to that club and riding the mechanical bull. Then Howard forced you on a trip out for barbecue.

Hopefully, Howard has been taking some driving lessons.

Howard most certainly has been taking some driving lessons. After being subjected to the driving of his fellow countrymen, I can see why he was promoted to America. He's one of the best.

It's not good when the driver is dodging every object known to man, only to proudly announce, "If anyone is afraid of heights, do not look to your right." That's what a law professor of mine would call the "sphincter factor."

Howard, like Otto the bus driver on The Simpsons, has a perfect driving record: "Fourteen accidents and NO fatalities!"

Dang, that's funny!

Another update, in regards to my multishirtiphrenzia.

When the counseling sessions ended, I found myself spiraling into a deep, almost comatose malaise. Days seemed like weeks. Weeks seemed like months. And months seemed like hours.

I knew that it was higly unlikely that I'd ever get another job. I'd just created too much havoc within the inner Hollywood circles that means so much when it came to networking for jobs.

I'd already moved beyond the stage in my life where the casting couch could score me any roles--so I moved to Nashville.

A couple of brief stints on RFDTV meant that I could score a meal or two, but nothing in the way of substantive payments that could be used to pay the rent in the 3-bedroom bungalow I was sharing with Suzanne Summers and Matt Lauer. It just wasn't working out.

I had to figure out a way to pay for my high speed internet and my ten thousand texts a day habit that I'd developed when I guest starred on NBC's Biggest Loser, which as you all know, I was quickly booted off of for being overly subversive.

Then it dawned on me.

Why not contact Ebsen for a Vaudeville stint through the Southeastern U.S. where this sort of thing still excites the general public?

Ebsen was game and immediately signed on. Five shows in Alabama, followed by a whirlwind trip through Georgia, South Carolina, and then the big finish in Guam.

Buddy was as excited as all get out, but then a frog in his throat turned out to be....of all things....a parasite that had attached itself to the phary-esophogeal junction!

Could his timing have been any worse?

I tried to be kind and supportive, just like in the early days, but he sensed my disappointment, then his embarrassment turned to anger and I woke up one morning with a down pillow affixed firmly to my mouth and nose.

Everything else after that was a blur.

One of Bruce's friends in the music industry was moved to write a song about his plight. Later, the record company changed the lyrics to avoid legal troubles.

I knew a man Condello and he'd dance for you
In worn out shoes
With silver hair, a ragged shirt, and baggy pants
The old soft shoe
He jumped so high, jumped so high
Then he lightly touched down

I met him in a cell in New Orleans I was
down and out
He looked to me to be the eyes of age
as he spoke right out
He talked of life, talked of life, he laughed
clicked his heels and stepped

He said his name "Condello" and he danced a lick
across the cell
He grabbed his pants and spread his stance,
Oh he jumped so high and then he clicked his heels
He let go a laugh, let go a laugh
and shook back his clothes all around

Dr. Condello, Dr. Condello
Dr. Condello, dance

He danced for those at minstrel shows and county fairs
throughout the south
He spoke through tears of 15 years how his dog and him
traveled about
The dog up and died, he up and died
And after 20 years he still grieves

He said I dance now at every chance in honky tonks
for drinks and tips
But most the time I spend behind these county bars
'cause I drinks a bit
He shook his head, and as he shook his head
I heard someone ask him please

Dr. Condello, Dr. Condello
Dr. Condello, dance..

I love winter.

I'm confused! Is this about Theo Bojangles or Bruce Bojangles? Maybe: "why ask why? it's art."

That early in the morning, I'm not sure myself.