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Joined: May 2005
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Lunker
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Lunker
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A guy looked out his window only to see his dog shaking the daylights out of the neighbors rabbit. He had always had a hard time getting along with that neighbor and this would certainly not help. He ran out and grabbed a stick and beat the dog until it dropped the rabbit. The rabbit was bloody, dirty, full of dog spit, and very dead. He grabbed the rabbit and ran into the house. He put it into the bathtub, ran some water, and cleaned the thing up until it looked good as new. He blew dry and combed the hair. He knew the neighbor would not be home from work for a while so he hopped over the fence and put the rabbit back in the rabbit hutch in a natural sitting position. Later the neighbor lady came home. All of a sudden he heard an ear splitting scream from the neighbors yard. He figured she'd be upset but this was over the top. He ran over to the fence and acting as if he had no idea what had happened he asked what was wrong. The neighbor shrieked, "My rabbit, he's dead, he died two weeks ago, we burried him, and he's back!"
Gotta get back to fishin!
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Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 8,854 Likes: 1
Moderator Ambassador Field Correspondent Lunker
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Moderator Ambassador Field Correspondent Lunker
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 8,854 Likes: 1 |
Holding a redear sunfish is like running with scissors.
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Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 5,713 Likes: 35
Administrator Lunker
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Administrator Lunker
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 5,713 Likes: 35 |
This is a true story.
Students in a biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last test question was: “Name seven advantages of "Mothers Milk." The question is worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, who had partied late the night before, was frustrated to think of seven advantages.
He wrote: 1. It is perfect formula for the child. 2. It provides immunity against several diseases. 3. It is always at the right temperature. 4. It is inexpensive. 5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa. 6. It is always available as needed.
And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang, indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7. It comes in such cute containers.
He got an "A".
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Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 4,025 Likes: 1
Lunker
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Lunker
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 4,025 Likes: 1 |
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Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 4,596 Likes: 36
Lunker
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Lunker
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 4,596 Likes: 36 |
A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. The officer asks the man driving his name. "Bruce" he replies. "Bruce what?" the officer asks. "Just Bruce" the man responds. The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me, Bruce, how did you lose your last name?" The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Bruce Dingaling. I know! A funny last name. Kids used to tease all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency and finally got my degree, so I was Bruce Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree and then I was Bruce Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Bruce Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD!. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS. Then I was Bruce Dingaling, MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD so they took away my MD leaving me as Bruce Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling so now I am just BRUCE" The officer did not write up a ticket.
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Joined: May 2002
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Ambassador Hall of Fame 2014 Lunker
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Ambassador Hall of Fame 2014 Lunker
Joined: May 2002
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There was a story on this site, but not this post, last week explaning a dog's reactions and then a cat's reactions to their daily life. It was terrific, but I can't find it. Can anyone copy it over to this post, or let me know where to find it?
Bing
"I love living. I have some problems with my life, but living is the best thing they've come up with so far." � Neil Simon,
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Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 8,854 Likes: 1
Moderator Ambassador Field Correspondent Lunker
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Moderator Ambassador Field Correspondent Lunker
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 8,854 Likes: 1 |
Is it this one?
Dog & Cat Diarys
Excerpts from a Dog's diary:
8 AM Dog food! My favorite thing! 9 AM A car ride! My favorite thing! 9:40 AM A walk in the park! My favorite thing! 10:30 AM Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing! NOON Lunch treats! My favorite thing! 1 PM Played in the yard! My favorite thing! 3 PM Got to chew on my Kong toy! My favorite thing! 5 PM Milk bones! My favorite thing! 7 PM Got to play ball! My favorite thing! 8 PM Watched TV with my master! My favorite thing! 11 PM Sleeping on the couch! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's diary:
It's day 683 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomited on the floor. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about "what a good little hunter" I am. The audacity!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event; however, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, this time at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and nitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released and seems more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe . . . for now.......................................
Holding a redear sunfish is like running with scissors.
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Joined: May 2002
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Ambassador Hall of Fame 2014 Lunker
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Ambassador Hall of Fame 2014 Lunker
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That's the one. Somehow I relate this to the folks who work in my office. I've got cats and dogs, mostly cats. I gave a copy to each employee. They all enjoyed it, but no one got the connection. for now...............
Bing
"I love living. I have some problems with my life, but living is the best thing they've come up with so far." � Neil Simon,
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Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 5,713 Likes: 35
Administrator Lunker
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Administrator Lunker
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Posts: 5,713 Likes: 35 |
LOL
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Joined: May 2006
Posts: 76
Member
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Member
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 76 |
Three bucks are in a mountain meadow complaining. They've heard a rumor that a huge buck has entered their area, and they aren't happy about sharing any of their does.
The Alpha buck says, "You know, since we settled our differences and split up the does, I've been pretty happy with MY 30 does. I am not about to share any of MY does with this new buck."
The second toughest buck says, "Yeah, well I ended up with only 20 does, so I can't afford to share any of MY does."
The youngest buck says, "I may only be half as big as you guys, but I'm not going to give up any of My 10 does."
Suddenly the biggest, baddest buck they had ever seen appeared at the edge of the meadow. He must have weighed close to 375 pounds and with huge sweeping antlers. As the huge buck trotted towards the three other bucks the ground seemed to shake.
Suddenly the former Alpha buck is a bit more flexible, "Well, maybe I could spare a FEW does."
The second toughest buck says, "Maybe if I hide in the bushes, he'll leave me alone."
But the small, young buck is snorting, raking the brush and shaking his fledgling antlers in an extremely confrontational way.
Worried about the reckless youngster, the two older bucks trot over to the young buck and say, "Listen, son. It's not worth dying for. Just give the new buck your 10 does."
"He can HAVE my 10 does," replies the young buck, raking the brush and shaking his fledgling antlers again. "I'm just making sure he knows I'm a BUCK!"
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Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 370
Lunker
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Lunker
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 370 |
A passenger in a taxi leaned forward to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and for a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me." The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he hadn't realized a mere tap on the shoulder would frighten him so much. The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 23 years...
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Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 84
Member
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Member
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 84 |
Down in a thicket there was a terrible racket, dust flying and snorting. A few minutes later 2 does come walking out. The first doe says to the other.."that's the last time I do that for a couple of bucks..."
Joe
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Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 13,807 Likes: 314
Moderator Ambassador Field Correspondent Hall of Fame 2014 Lunker
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Moderator Ambassador Field Correspondent Hall of Fame 2014 Lunker
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 13,807 Likes: 314 |
If you've never seen these, there are some good laughs. I tried to edit as much as I could, but there may be a few marginal ones.
Confucius say, difference between peeping tom and pick pocket is pick pocket snatches watches.
Confucius say, virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone
Confucius say, man who do business in whore house get jerked around
Confucius say, panties not best thing on earth, but next to it Confucius say, war not determine who right. War determine who left
Confucius say, woman who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house
Confucius say, man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night Confucius say, it take many nail to build crib, one screw to fill it
Confucius say, man who keep feet on ground have trouble putting on pants
Confucius say, if you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient
Confucius say, passionate kiss like spider web, soon lead to undoing of fly
Confucius say, woman who go camping must beware of evil intent
Confucius say, squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts
Confucius say, man who run before bus get tired Confucius say, man who run behind bus get exhausted
Confucius say, man who make love on side of hill not on level Confucius say, sex is like the army, the closer you are to discharge, the better you feel Confucius say, man with tight trousers is pressing his luck
Confucius say, man who stand on toilet high on pot
Confucius say, man who eat crackers in bed wake up feeling crummy Confucius say, man with hand in pocket all day not crazy, just feeling nuts
Confucius say, man who sleep in bed of nails is holy
Confucius say, do not drink and park, accidents cause people Confucius say, man who put pea in soup very unclean
Confucius say, man who run through airport turnstile backward going to Bangkok Confucius say, man who fishes in another woman's well, often catches crab Confucius say, butcher who back into meat grinder get a little behind in his orders Confucius say, man who live in glass house, should change in basement Confucius say, man who shoot off mouth, must expect to lose face Confucius say, man with big mouth beware of foot Confucius say, man who fart in church, sit in own pew
Confucius say, woman who fly upside down have crack up Confucius say, man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion Confucius say, man under wheelbarrow playing with tool, not necessarily mechanic Confucius say, house without bathroom is uncanny Confucius say, man who throws dirt is losing ground Confucius say, man who lay woman on ground, get piece on earth Confucius say, man who get kicked in testicles, left holding the bag
Confucius say, man who buy drowned cat, get wet pussy Confucius say, man trapped in pantry, have ass in jam
Confucius say, girl who sit on jockey's lap get hot tip
Confucius say, girl who sit on judge's lap get honorable discharge Confucius say, waitress who sit on leper's lap, keep tip Confucius say, man who snort coke, get bubbles up nose Confucius say, cow with no legs, ground beef Confucius say, two wrongs not make right, but two rights make U-turn Confucius say, baby born in car with automatic transmission, grow to become shiftless bastard
Confucius say, finding old man in dark, not hard Confucius say, man who smoke pot, choke on handle Confucius say, man with head on railroad track, listening for train to come, get splitting headache
Confucius say, man who sneeze without tissue take matter into own hands Confucius say, secretary become permanent fixture, when screwed on desk Confucius say, man who drive like hell, bound to get there Confucius say, man who sit on tack, get point Confucius say, man who put cream in tart, not always baker Confucius say, woman who spend much time on bedspring, may get offspring Confucius say, woman who dance wearing jock strap, have make believe ballroom
Confucius say, support bacteria - is only culture some people have Confucius say, man with athletic finger, make broad jump Confucius say, man who sit on upturned tack, rise above all
Confucius say, wash face in morning, neck at night Confucius say, man who have last laugh, not get joke
Confucius say, man who sleep with old hen, find it better than pullet
Confucius say, men may have more hair on chest than woman, but on the whole, women have more Confucius say, man who push piano down mine shaft, likely to get A flat minor
Confucius say, man who put face in punchbowl, get punch in nose Confucius say, woman who sink in man's arms, soon have arms in man's sink
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Moderation, Round 1 - Theo
Excerpt from Robert Crais' "The Monkey's Raincoat:" "She took another microscopic bite of her sandwich, then pushed it away. Maybe she absorbed nutrients from her surroundings."
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Joined: May 2004
Posts: 14,039 Likes: 300
Moderator Lunker
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Moderator Lunker
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 14,039 Likes: 300 |
Okay, folks, let's have a big round of applause for Sunil "Shecky" Ramchandran. He'll be doing 2 shows a night at the lovely Wyndham Hotel in Arlington, Texas, next week, performing all the sideslappingly funny material too risque for your friendly neighborhood moderators to allow here. Don't miss it!
Sunil: Remind me to tell the one about the Scotsman at the Baseball game.
"Live like you'll die tomorrow, but manage your grass like you'll live forever." -S. M. Stirling
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Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 21,541 Likes: 282
Moderator Hall of Fame 2014 Lunker
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Moderator Hall of Fame 2014 Lunker
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 21,541 Likes: 282 |
Sunil good laughs for adults - not for kids. Confucius say sum of the parts = part got to go ; after a few more adult folks have time to read it.
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Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 8,854 Likes: 1
Moderator Ambassador Field Correspondent Lunker
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Moderator Ambassador Field Correspondent Lunker
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 8,854 Likes: 1 |
That was after he edited it???
Holding a redear sunfish is like running with scissors.
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Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,365
Lunker
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Lunker
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,365 |
Sunil: Confucius say, Man who lose girfriend's apartment key get no newkey.
Confucius say, lady who slide down bannister make monkeyshine.
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Joined: May 2004
Posts: 14,039 Likes: 300
Moderator Lunker
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Moderator Lunker
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 14,039 Likes: 300 |
"Nip it in the bud, Andy!"
-Barney Fife, M.D. (Mayberry Deputy)
"Live like you'll die tomorrow, but manage your grass like you'll live forever." -S. M. Stirling
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Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 1,097 Likes: 18
Lunker
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Lunker
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 1,097 Likes: 18 |
Sunil, even post-edited, marginal is a stretch, they are funny though..."tart" hahahaha. Winston's joke takes the cake, I laugh just thinking about it
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Moderated by Bill Cody, Bruce Condello, catmandoo, Chris Steelman, Dave Davidson1, esshup, ewest, FireIsHot, Omaha, Sunil, teehjaeh57
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