Pond Boss Forums INTRO Questions & Observations Humor for those of us with cabin fever

Bruce you are correct. I have added it to that thread. Thanks -- nothing worse than the librarian putting the book in the wrong place so no one can find it.

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing
one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign
of breaking down in the near future.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate's disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a
serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming
only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the
fruit you're eating.

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and a complete jerk

This is soooo Funny! Enjoy ~~~~~~ AND SCARY!!!!!!!!


A travel agent for thirty years in our nation's capital has this to report:


"This is why we're in trouble! I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask
for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near
the window.


I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I
started to explain the length of the flight and the passport
information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you
look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. Without trying to make
her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in
Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response.(click).


A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we
did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was
expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible,
since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to
me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!"


I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see
England from Canada?" I said, No."She said, "But they look so close on
the map.


An aide for a Bush cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent
a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only
a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a
car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car
to drive between the gates to save time."


An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it
was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 a. m. and got into
Chicago at 8:33 a. m. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead
of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones.
Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!


A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines normally put your
physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to
whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked
in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and
I'm overweight. I think that is very rude?" After putting her on hold
for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing), I came
back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the
airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.


A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After
going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to
California and then take the train to Hawaii?"


I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do
I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to
which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these
darn planes have numbers on them."


A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I
have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she
meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah,
whatever!"


A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed
in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I
reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China
many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and
sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said,
"Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted
my American Express!"


A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go
from Chicago to Rhino, New York." The agent was at a loss for words.
Finally, the agent said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"
"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching,
the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every
airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady
retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your
map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally
offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a
big animal," she said.


Now you know why Government is in the shape that it's in!!!!!

Sorry guys! I have been home for three days now with chronic bronchitis in both lungs. The codiene and cabin fever are about to push me over the edge.

Deb

Debra,

Sorry to hear your not feeling well. I've really enjoyed your jokes and look forward to more.

How about a true story?

My girlfriends son is five years old. At Sunday School, he started saying "Cock" over and over again. The teacher was very upset by this and called my girlfriends Mom, who is the music director, to come and take her Grandson out of class.

When asked where he heard that word, he replied "it isn't a bad word," but wouldn't say who told it to him.

Later, when he was home, she sat him down and asked him about that word and who told it to him. After a bit, he repeated that it wasn't a bad word, and finally said it's what you do with a gun. You "Cock" it.

We laugh about it now, but it wasn't funny at first.

Here's another one, the other day he farted. He laughed and said his "butt yawned."

Eddie

Yeh you really have to watch what you say around kids. What is that old phrase "out of the mouth of babes..."?
I have always stressed manners to Ryan (started when he first began talking). He has the yes/no mam, the yes/no sir, the please, the thank you, and was doing really well with the excuse me. That changed this past weekend like flipping a switch. He turned three on Saturday the fourth, and when he returned from his dad's house the "excuse me" had completely disappeared. Now when he poots he just laughs. I put on the "mommy face", and remind him that he is suppose to say excuse me. What is his new response? "But mom the frog did it." So I play along and tell him the frog can't say excuse me so Ryan has to say it for him. What does he say? "Mom the frog crawled up in my rear and can't get out. When he does come out I will make him stand in the corner until he uses his manners." I usually just walk away so I can laugh without him seeing me. Kids are GREAT, but sometimes I wish there was a manual for every comment and question.

Deb

Here is one EVERYONE should enjoy. Crank up your speakers and get ready to dance!

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-7836547273687836884

Now if THAT did not make you laugh (and at least bob your head) I suggest you make an appointment with a shrink.

Deb

"good one Deb"Im still swing'n my cat by his tail after that one

This is what happens when you:

1) have nothing to do

2) own a sharp knife

3) have a large lime

4) own a patient cat

5) drink too much tequila

6) and it's football season?




Have ya'll missed me much?

Deb

Glad to see you are feeling better Deb!

A guy is driving around North Texas and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help this guy that wanted to build and stock a trophy bass lake, so I told my master about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from Dallas to Atlanta and to Lincoln Nebraska, and all over the country, sitting in rooms and talking about dozers and fish and water and ponds and stuff.�

�I was the most valuable PondBoss consultant around, but the traveling really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.�

�I signed up for a job telling folks how to build ponds with core trenches that wouldn�t leak, and if they did to stuff the cracks with newspapers, stock their ponds with Georgia Giants and Tilapia for forage and their Trophy Bass would break all the records�.

"I discovered some incredible folks with lots of knowledge willing to share, and made many friends along the way."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in the house and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says. "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that."

I LOVE that joke, George. That was my best laugh of the day.

I would like to order three $gills, please.

George as you know I really like the $gill's but if you could just get me one of those talking dogs I would sure be indebted to you !!! Then I would have something to compare to Bob's or is it Theo's cat, Cecil's dog Lassie and Sunil's smartest fish SMB. :p

It was quite warm yesterday, and I decided to play some tug of war. As I was reaching into the tackle box for my prized $gill, the dog walked by and bumped my arm, impaleing the $gill into my thumb. When I held my hand up and moaned you son-of-a birch, the $gill plainly said "EAT ME". Therein lies the secret of the magic lure! Bob-O

I moved it here from another thread

Thought I would share this. It is a little long, but worth the read. I know it is old (1998) but I researched to see if it was true. It was reported in the Detroit Free Press and the Wall Street Journal in the spring of 1998.

The response letter is not a perfect copy, but is close (things get rewritten over time on the internet). I have restored most of the original text.


This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding a pond on his property. It was sent by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality. This guy's response is hilarious, but read The State's letter before you get to the response letter.

State of Michigan's letter to Mr. DeVries:


SUBJECT: DEQ
File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec 20; Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations.. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 1998.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.



Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. Tevdten:

Re: DEQ File
No.. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 11/17/97 has been handed to me. First of all, Mr. DeVries is not the legal landowner/contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Pierson, Michigan. I am the legal landowner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood 'debris' dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials 'debris.'

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your dam request that beavers must fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity, my first dam question to you is: are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, please send me completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

My first dam concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.

The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names. If you want the dam stream 'restored' to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English), make sure you read them their dam Miranda rights first.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/1998? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice by then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your dam step! The bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

Sincerely,

Stephen L. Tevdten
laugh grin grin