Pond Boss Forums INTRO Questions & Observations Cormorantophobia

NEW DELUSIONAL CONDITION AFFECTING POND OWNERS IDENTIFIED

Dr. Sigmund �Tex� Gruenlach of the East Texas Mental Health Institute has identified a previously unknown delusion affecting pond owners. The condition, know as �Cormorantophobia� or �Hartley�s Syndrome,� is, in layman�s terms, the dread fear of Water Turkeys.

Dr. Gruenlach expounds: �To date, Cormorantophobia has only occurred among pond owners, although we are keeping a close eye on the sportfishing community as we are afraid they may also be susceptible � there is a great deal of overlap and intermingling between the two groups. Members of the general population should have no fear of contracting Hartley�s Syndrome. Pond owners are on the edge, so to speak, to begin with, and Cormorantophobia seems to occur only in the more radical fringe elements within this group.

Hartley�s Syndrome tends to occur in advanced Ichthyophiles who have suffered a traumatic Water Turkey induced shock, typically the loss of an entire pond full of fish. Once afflicted, the Cormorantophobe�s thoughts and actions become increasingly concerned with Water Turkeys, quickly reaching unhealthy levels which are unapparent to the sufferer but which are easily identified by objective observers or family members. �Without exception, every Cormorantophobe (or, for that matter, pond owner) we have studied has a spouse or friends who knew, even warned, that they were crazy before the Mental Health Community ever became involved,� states Dr. Gruenlach.

�The typical Cormorantophobe engages in fantasy to self-justify his constant preoccupation with Water Turkeys, developing an increasingly complex system of stories and delusions which, to outsiders, appear as simple paranoid manifestations. But they can be extremely elaborate. One poor man concocted an entire fictional �Mexican vacation,� complete with thousands of marauding Water Turkeys decimating the landscape, to convince his friends and associates that his obsession with the birds (which included constantly shouting �they�re everywhere, they�re everywhere�) was reasonable. This fellow is retired from NASA, and apparently used his connections to produce pictures of the fictional trip, including fisherman brag shots, using the same technology which was developed to fake the manned Moon landings and Martian rover pictures (see story below). The entire time he was supposedly at the Bay of Campeche, he was actually sitting next to his ponds in his underwear crying over the remains of his Water Turkey-decimated Bass.

�Fortunately, Hartley�s Syndrome is readily treatable using electroshock therapy. We even have hopes of curing some of the many Cormorantophobes, eventually. The average sufferer is, for some reason, amenable to repeated electroshocks; they apparently think it will provide them with something called �a population survey with relative weight information,� in exchange for which they are happy to cooperate.

HIGH-TECH SELF DELUSION MADE SIMPLE OR HOW TO FAKE A MEXICAN VACATION

What are some of the techniques used by Cormorantophobes to justify their delusions? Let�s take a look at how one man, a retired NASA Engineer, could have �virtually� spent a week fishing and cursing Water Turkeys at the Bay of Campeche.

First, start with images of two common pond fish � the White Amur



and the Largemouth Bass



Then add a child�s toy



and blend together, placing the result on a stock Ocean background



Then massage with multi-billion dollar NASA image enhancing software, to produce a picture of a fisherman with his exotic trophy in an exotic location. Presto! Instant Mexican vacation.