Alright, how's everybody? Good! Good! Good! Now, as your father probably told you, my name is Matt Foley, and I am an avid Otter Hunter! Now, let's get started by me giving you a little bit of a scenario of what my life is all about! First off, I am 35 years old.. I am divorced.. and I live in a van down by the river!
Now, you kids are probably saying to yourself, "Now, I'm gonna go out, and I'm gonna get the Otter by the tail, and wrap it around and put it in my pocket!!" Well, I'm here to tell you that you're probably gonna find out, as you go out there, that you're not gonna amount to Jack Squat!!" You're gonna end up eating a steady diet of government cheese, and living in a van down by the river! Now, young man, what do you want to do with your life?
Brian: [ nervous ] I.. actually, Matt.. I kinda wanna be a writer, not an Otter Chaser..
Matt: We-e-e-elll.. la-de-freakin'-da! We've got ourselves a writer here! [ jumps across the room ] Hey, Dad, I can't see real good.. [ lifts his glasses off and on his face ] ..is that Bill Shakespeare over there?
Dad: Well, actually, Matt.. Ellen and I have encouraged Brian in his writing.
Matt: Dad, I wish you could just shut your big yapper! [ stumbles back across the room ] Now, I wonder.. Brian, from what I've heard, you're using your paper, not for writing, but for rolling doobies!! You're gonna be doing a lot of doobie-rolling when you're living in a van down by the river! [ turns to Stacy ] Young lady, what do you want to do with your life?!
Stacy: [ sarcastic ] I want to live in a van down by the river.
Matt: Well, you'll have plenty of time to live in a van down by the river when you're.. [ tries to be clever ] ..living in a van down by the river! Now, you kids are probably asking yourself, "Hey, Matt, how can we get back on the right track?!" Well, as I see it, there is only one solution! And that is for me to get my gear, move it on into here, 'cause I'm gonna bunk with you, buddy! We're gonna be buddies! We're gonna be pals! [ picks Brian up ] We're gonna wrassle around! [ puts Brian down ] Ol' Matt's gonna be your shadow! [ motions] Here's Matt, here's you! There's Matt, there's you! [ trips and falls flat on the coffee table, sending it crashing to the floor ] Whoops-a-daisy! [ stands up ] We're gonna have to clean that up later! Me and my buddies! My pals! My amigos! I'm gonna go get my gear! [ heads for the door ]
