"What's the best way to avoid winterkill in your pond?"
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"Kill all your fish in the fall".
I thought your were gonna say "move to Florida"
Wow Bruce, you need some Spring!
You mean like this ! !
"Those fish aren't dead, honey; They're just sleeping".
How about some fun. Here is one sent to me by one of our members. He can claim it if he wants to.
Roping A Deer
...Names have been removed to protect the stupid !
Actual Letter from someone who writes, and farms.
I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall,
feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.
The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured
that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to
have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes
come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back
of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope
one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down)
then hog tie it and transport it home.
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.
The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back.
They were not having any of it.
After about 20 minutes, my deer showed
up -- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out
from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood
there and stared at me.
I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would
have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but
you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope
situation.
I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little
tension on the rope and then received an education.
The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand
there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to
action when you start pulling on that rope.
That deer EXPLODED.
The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT
stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I
could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.
A deer-- no chance.
That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no
controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked
me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it
occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good
an idea as I had originally imagined.
The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many
other animals.
A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to
jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took
me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the
blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had
lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil
creature off the end of that rope.
I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it
would likely die slow and painfully somewhere.
At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At
that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that
the feeling was mutual.
Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had
cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against
various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could
still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small
chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the
situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have it suffer a
slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my
truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind
of like a squeeze chute.
I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my
rope back.
Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years
would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very
surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer
grabbed hold of my wrist.
Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse
where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and
shakes its head --almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it
hurts.
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze
and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My
method was ineffective.
It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several
minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.
I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that
claim by now) tricked it.
While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I
reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was
when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.
Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up
on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level,
and their hooves are surprisingly sharp.
I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse
--strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily,
the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an
aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them
to back down a bit so you can escape.
This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such
trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a
different strategy.
I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.
The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a
horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will
hit you in the back of the head.
Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being
twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to
run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not
immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger
has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and
down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl
and covering your head.
I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.
So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle
with a scope so that they can be somewhat equal to the Prey.
Those who say "It can't be done"
Should not stand in the way
Of the one doing it.
You mean like this ! !
"They smell kinda funny, but that'll cook out." -Pat Paulsen
Eric,
I bet Jerry Clower could tell that story and make you crack some ribs.
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband.
That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
HAHA! The deer story is one of the best I've heard in a while.
I know I've gotten myself into a few messes in my time due to things that seemed like "good ideas" going in.
Here is todays -
- .
In case you missed it, here is the Washington Post's
Mensa
Invitational which once
again asked readers to take any word from
the
dictionary, alter it by
adding, subtracting, or changing one
letter,
and supply a new
definition.
The winners
are:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders
the
subject financially
impotent for an indefinite period of
time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an
a**h***.
edited 3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts
until
you realize it was your
money to start
with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a
hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that
stops
bright ideas from
penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately,
shows
little sign of breaking
down in the near
future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose
of
getting
lucky
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very
high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and
the
person who doesn't get
it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee! intravenously when you are running
late.
10. Hipatitis: Terminal
coolness.
11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra
credit.)
12. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these
really
bad vibes, and then the
Earth explodes, and it's a serious
bummer.
13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the
day
consuming only things that
are good for
you
14. Glibido: All talk and no
action.
15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
when
they come at you
rapidly.
16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just
after
you've accidentally walked
through a spider
web.
17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets
into
your bedroom at three in
the morning and cannot be cast
out.
18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm
in
the fruit you're
eating.
Bozone.
Love it.
An engaged couple got in a car accident and died. When they were welcomed into heaven by St. Peter they had a question. They were about to get married before they died. If it's allowed in heaven they wondered if there was anyone in heaven who could marry them? St. Peter said he'd look into it. The couple waited and waited. A year went by before St. Peter returned. When he returned the couple said that after thinking about it they realized that to get married in heaven would be for eternity. So, just in case they wondered if divorce was allowed in heaven. St. Peters response - "It took me a whole year to find a priest up here, fat chance I'll ever find a lawyer."
This joke was told by a priest in my mom's church during a sermon.
Cowboy walks into a bar. He notices that everyone is leaving as he orders himself a beer.
Cowboy says "Hey barkeep! Where's everyone going?"
"To a hangin'"
"Who they hangin?"
"Paper Bag Pete"
"Paper Bag Pete? Why do they call him that?
"Cause he makes all his clothes out of brown paper bags".
"What they hangin' him for?
"Rustling"
bobad....ug....
a little philosophy for the day:
careful how you set on that gold mine, ya might get the shaft...
The graveside ceremony had just ended when there was a terrific clap of thunder followed be a really vicious lightning bolt. Then slow rumbling in the crowds.
The little old man looked at the Preacher and said, "Well, it looks like she's arrived".
2 drunks are stumblin' along the curb when they come across a duck with one wing cocked up and broken. One drunk carefully scoops up the half dead critter and gently tucks him into the warmth of his coat. They continue on, finding themselves in front of the cinema and wanting to escape the brisk, cold wind. They each unroll the balls of bills jammed into their pockets and buy a ticket. Suddenly, one drunk says "Zheesh, I can't go into zha tee-ater widda duck!" The other drunk quickly solves the problem..."jusht put em in yur pantsch". Done. They fumble thru the dark of the theatre and plop down next to 2 old gals. "Holy Moly...itsh gittin hot down dere" Once again, his partner solves the problem..."jusht open yur zhipper". Done. The duck pops his head up and starts lookin' around. The first old gal leans over and whispers in her gal-pal's ear "Marcia, this guy next to me has his zipper open". Marcia replies "If you've seen one, Mable, you've seen 'em all". Mable replies "yes, but this one is eating my popcorn."
Blonde joke:
A beautiful blonde gets on an airplane headed for New York, she sits in first class. Flight attendant approaches her saying she's sorry but you don't have a first class ticket so you'll have to move back into coach. The blonde says, "Look, I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York in style. The second flight attendant also tries to get the woman to move, same answer. They both go and complain to the captain. They both think, like yeah right, the pilot is going to make the beautiful woman move isn't he? To their surprise a minute or so later the pilot comes back and the two flight attendants see him ask the woman to leave and gets the same response. He then bends over and whispers something in the blonde woman's ear. She immediately gets up and moves back into coach. The two flight attendants later asked the pilot what in the world he said to make her move so quickly. "Simple he said, she's blonde, I just told her that first class doesn't stop in New York.
Whats green and red and goes 50mph?
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A frog in a blender
Excuse me if you've seen this one, but it's one of my favorites. I think Davidson knows this guy.
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This guy goes into one of those big, sells-everything department stores and asks to see the sales manager. After asking for a job, he is told that the store doesn’t need any more sales people.
“Just give me a chance,” he says, “I’ll work one day for no commission. If I’m not the best salesman you’ve ever seen, I’ll never bother you again.” The sales manager agrees.
At the end of the day, the sales manager asks the man what his total sales for the day were. “$97,235.71,” the would-be salesman replies.
“That’s incredible,” says the sales manager, “how many customers did you have?”
“Just one.” was the answer.
“How in the world did you sell $97,235.71 worth of merchandise to just one customer?” the sales manager asks.
“Well, this guy was going to buy some night crawlers. I rang those up on the cash register, and asked him if he needed any fishing hooks. He said he wasn’t sure he had any the right size, so I sold him an assortment of hooks in all different sizes. Then I asked him what kind of fishing pole he had. It turns out he didn’t have a very good pole, so I sold him our top-of-the-line rod and reel, plus a half-dozen spools of different kinds of line.”
“He wasn’t sure where he wanted to go fishing, so I sold him the maps for all of the lakes in the state. We looked them over and he decided he was going to go to Rose Lake. I told him the shore fishing was lousy there this time of year and asked if he had a boat. He didn’t, so I sold him our biggest bass boat with all the accessories – GPS, fish finder, water temperature gauge, the works – plus a boat trailer.”
“I asked him how he was going to get the boat to Rose Lake and it turned out he drove a little bitty compact car. So I sold him a big SUV with a trailering package. With a few add-ons for the SUV, the total came to $97,235.71.”
“Amazing,” said the sales manager, “A man came in to buy nightcrawlers and you sold him $97,235.71 in merchandise.”
“Oh, he didn’t come in to buy nightcrawlers,” said the would-be salesman, “He came in to buy some tampons for his wife, and I told him ‘Well, your weekend is shot, you might as well go fishing.’ “
Cannibal Grill
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon
A restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling
Somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
+ Tourist: $5
+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+ Fried Explorer: $15.00
+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a
Price difference for the Politician?'
The cook replied, 'Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so
Full of sh@t, it takes all morning.'
THE BEST COMEBACK LINE EVER
Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!!
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about
to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're g going to teach them climbing, canoing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended. You gotta love the Marines!
Tim,
That's the greatest reply I've ever heard. Thanks for sharing.
One day, thanks to the US Military, Bin Laden finally got what he's been asking for, killed! So he finds himself standing at the pearly gates only to find them closed. So he starts yelling, hey, God, I died for you and now I'm waiting for my reward. The gates didn't budge. Later, the gates opened, George Washington strolled out and proceeded to beat the %&%#@ out of Bin Laden. Some time after George left the doors opened again and Thomas Jefferson came out and did the same thing. One by one 68 more famous Americans came out and beat the crap out of him. As Bin Laden was laying on the ground looking like raw meat he cried out to God. "God what did I do wrong? Where is my reward?" God's voice echoed out from behind the doors and said "you fool, as usual you totally misinterpreted my Word, the scriptures, I never said that if you died terrorizing America that you'd recieve 70 virgins, it was 70 Virginians!"
http://www.youshock.com/skills/sheep_reaction_test#My best time was 0.2792
This was after about twenty tries. I had lots of times in the low .3's
0.125 on first try. I'm sure your patients are glad your not too fast when doing their teeth!
OK, I repositioned myself. Got my butt off the bed. Got in a crouched position...
Still can't seem to get my average under .27
Sheepdip.
2 attempts not including when I shot myself in the foot and went to sleep.
Avg .214
Best time .175
It called me an Armadillo and told me I needed coffee - after I just finished a Diet Dew1
Another blonde joke:
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.'
Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'
The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'
He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..' he said with a deep sigh, . .. . . . . .
'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'
Shootin' the sheep.
Something an "aggy" would do.
you laugh now
'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'
we'll see who's laughin' when they find the one that shaped like the state of Illinois
or the mother mary...sorry...my bad, back to my corner now.
...seriously
did ya catch
this one on the media?
or the mother mary...sorry...my bad, back to my corner now.
No sheep for you.
That must be your bid huh Brettski?
"Great Illinois Corn Flake"? Hah! It looks more like a noseless Davy Crockett wearing a mink stole.
That must be your bid huh Brettski?
You saw what happened to gold, didn't ya?
Barnum was right. There really is a sucker born every minute. Evidently no shortage of them.
Of course, had I gotten a corn flake that size, i would never have thought to try to sell it.
DD1, it's not the size of that flake, it's the shape! It looks like George Burns.
Yes Brettski, my brother tried to talk me into buying a bunch of gold a year ago, he sells it. Wish I would have bought $50 grand.
Another blonde joke:
The blonde got job in the M&M factory in quality control She got fired after the first day for rejecting half the run of candy. She went home and told her boy friend what happened. "Those idiots," she says, "they apparently don't realize that half the candy they make has W's on them.
All you southerners are getting too busy to read jokes I'm sure. Here up north we just got 6 inches of snow and I'm still waiting for 18 inches of ice to melt.
Remember the blonde who tried to assemble the corn flakes puzzle? Well, she was embarassed so she figured she would go to the store and buy a real puzzle and impress her boy friend with her intelligence. At the store the clerk showed her the puzzle selection and she bought a good one. When she got home she called her boy friend and told him that he couldn't see what she was doing in the den until she finished something that was going to be a surprise. Well, 6 months went by. Finally she told her boy friend that he could come into the den and see the surprise. He immediately saw the puzzle on the table and it was totally complete. Nice job on the puzzle he said, but where's the surprise. "The puzzle", she said, "I'll have you know I got that puzzle together all by myself and it only took me six months." "Six, months!" the boy friend exclaimed. "Yeah, it only took me six months even though the box said 2 to 4 years!"
I was rated a sluggish snail. It told me to get more coffee so I am, bye.
Barnum was right. There really is a sucker born every minute. Evidently no shortage of them.
Of course, had I gotten a corn flake that size, i would never have thought to try to sell it.
...sold for $1350. I wonder what a corn flake shaped like Nebraska would fetch?
