Pond Boss Forums INTRO Questions & Observations Jokes

How about a thread just for jokes related to pond type stuff??


A husband and wife went for counselling after 15 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful
tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had
been married. She went on and on and on ...... neglect, lack of intimacy,
emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable ....... an entire laundry
list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time,
the therapist got up and walked around the desk and, after asking the wife
to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The
therapist then turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs
at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off
here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

What did one pond bullfrog say to the other bullfrog?


"Time's fun when you're having flies".

A Fish & Game Warden lives next door to a wildly successful fisherman. For years the F&GW has watched Bob next door never fail to bring home full creel limits of huge bass, bream crappie, and catfish. For years, he has pleaded and cajoled with Bob to reveal his secrets. Finally, Bob has agreed to take the F&GW along on a fishing excursion. "Just meet me in my driveway at 4:30 tomorrow morning," says Bob, "I'll take care of everything."

The F&GW shows up at 4:30 to find Bob has his truck and boat ready to roll. They drive for 3 hours over 2 lane blacktop roads, then 2 lane gravel roads , then 1 lane gravel roads, and then what appears to be a wide cowpath, arriving at a pristine, remote lake apparently untouched by man except for a small spot barely large enough to turn the rig around and launch the boat.

A half hour later, they are sitting in the boat in the middle of the lake. The F&GW notices that the boat contains no poles, bait, or lures, only a long handled net and a duffel bag. He questions this, and Bob tersely replies "I told you I'd take care of everything!"

Bob reaches in the duffel bag and pulls out 2 dozen sticks of dynamite. The F&GW stares with huge eyes, then proceeds to protests loud and long. "Dynamite? That's illegal as all get on! It's dangerous, too! You can't seriously be thinking of using dynamite, Bob."

Bob lights the first Dupont stick bait, hands it the the F&GW, and then calmly asks "Are you gonna talk, or are you gonna fish?"

He he, I giggle everytime I hear this joke, I guess because you know the game warden is going to have to fish!

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a
living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman,
salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth. However, little Justin was being
uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he
replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his
clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if
the offer is really good he will go home with some guy and stay with him all
night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him,
"Is that really true about your father?" "No," the boy said, "He works for the
Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our
next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other
kids."

One morning, a husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decides to take their boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and takes out her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am.

What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies (thinking," Isn't it obvious?!").

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, Officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know, you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day, ma'am," he said...and quickly left.

A game warden sneaks up on a fellow fishing in a pond. Game warden, pointing to a bucket of fish, says:

Are those your fish?
Yes sir.
Can I see your fishing license?
No sir.
Well, I'll need those fish for evidence.
But sir, I don't need a licesense for those fish.
What do you mean?, said the warden?
Those are my pet fish. I'm just bringing them for a swim.
You mean, you can put them into the pond, and they will come back?
Yes sir, I just whistle for them and they come right back and jump into my bucket.
Now you're just BS'ing me.
Well sir, it really works.
OK, I've got to see this! says the game warden.

Our hero dumps the fish into the pond, picks up his rod, and starts walking to his truck.

Game warden says HEY! Aren't you going to whistle for them?

Whistle for what?

Your pet fish!

What fish?

One day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout spotted a pirate ship, and the crew became frantic.

Captain Bravo bellowed for his red shirt. The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and, after donning the shirt, the captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.

Later on, the lookout spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs, and one of them asked the captain: "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before each battle?"

The captain replied: "If I am wounded in the attack, my crew won't notice my bleeding and will continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of their captain.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all stared at the captain and waited for his usual request.

Captain Bravo calmly shouted: "Bring me my brown pants!"

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what to do. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to hide down by the pond so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching by the dock, that I noticed that we have developed a serious filamentous algae problem in the pond.

So, what is the best way to clear up my algae problem?

Thanks,

Bob

All right, which one of you pond bossers wrote to Abby! Great joke Victor!

A little old guy is walking around in a supermarket calling
> out, Crisco, Crissssssscooo...
>
> Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, "Sir, the Crisco is in
> aisle 3.
>
> The old guy replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm
> calling my wife. She's in here somewhere".
>
> The clerk is astonished. "Your wife's name is Crisco?"
> The old guy answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we're
> out in public."
>
> "I see," said the clerk. "What do you call her at home?"
>
> "Lard Ass."

A buddy of mine was going off for a little weekend fling and decided to tell his wife he was going fishing. He was busy getting his fishing tackle ready so his wife would not suspect anything and she offered to help him pack. "Well, you could pack my clothes for me. I want my fishing pants and favorite shirt and fishing vest. Oh, by the way, I really like to sleep well when I am away so would you pack those red silk pajamas for me?" Off he goes for the weekend. When he returns his wife ask him how the fishing was. "Fishing was pretty bad, did not catch anything. I tried every lure I had and they would not bite on anything. Oh, by the way, I didn't sleep well. I could not find those pajamas I asked you to pack and just couldn't get any rest. Why didn't you pack the pajamas?" His wife responded, "But I did pack them." Then he said "I looked everywhere, where did you put them?".

"In your Tackle Box".

Bing

Being that I'm baptist and the wife is catholic I can tell this one...

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire
up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
The good smelling deer steaks wer causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that
they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba,and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and
much study, Bubba attended Mass, and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said,"You were born a Baptist, and raised a
Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."
Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish...

I would have liked to tell that one, Greg, but there's no Baptists in my family.

That's a good, clean joke.

I like it, Greg. Lots of gooduns.

Boudreaux was coming down the bayou and pulled his pirogue up to Thibodeaux's shack.
Tib say, where ya goin? Whats dat tape you got?
Boo say, ducttape. Goin to get some ducks. Wanna go? No, gotta work, says Tib.

Dat ening Boudreaux come back by wif dat piro loaded down wid the ducks. Thibodeaux jes shook his hade.

Nex day, here come Boudreaux agin, this time wif some boxes o' what look like suger packs. Thibodeaux aks, what is dat? Boo he say, its Nutrisweet. Im gonna catch me some o' dem nutrirats. Thibodeaux jes shook his hade.

Dat ening, here comes Boudreaux wif dat piro bout ta sink with nutria.

Saday ening, here comes Boudreaux all dressed in his best bibs, brogan shoes and his newest Ell Ess You ball cap. He had some branches stuck up all round that piro. He stop by Thibodeaux's. Tib, say, where ya goin? Boudreaux say he's goin to town. He say, you wanna go? Tib, say, no, I aint got no money. He din aks, what is all those branches stickin' up round yo piro?
Boudreaux say, "them's pussywillows". Wid dat, Thibodeaux say, "well, let me git my hat".

i think you just made mudcat joe REAL proud

Here's a joke about blondes, hope no one is offended.
This great looking blonde boarded an airplane for New York and chose a first class seat even though she had no first class ticket. When the flight attendant approached the woman and informed her that she'd have to move back into coach the woman replied "I'm blonde, I'm a model, I'm pretty, and if I'm going to New York I'm going in style". She refused to move. The head flight attendant approached her with the same request and got a similar answer. The two flight attendants decided to refer the matter to the captain even thought they highly doubted that a man would make the gorgeous woman move. The captain walked over to the woman's seat, bent over, and whispered something in her ear. The woman immediately got up and moved to the coach section of the plane. Needless to say the two flight attendance were astonished so they asked the captain how he got her to move without even making a scene or embarassing the woman. He said, "Well she is a blonde, so I just told her that on this flight first class doesn't stop in New York."

I hope this pass the moderators. It's supposed to be a true story which makes it even funnier.

> > Subject: UNDERWEAR IS IMPORTANT!!! > > > UNDERWEAR IS IMPORTANT!!> Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working > under your vehicle...From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this > story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have > their car break down in the parking lot. > > The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed > the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of > people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs > protruding from under the chassis.> Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned > private parts into glaringly public ones.> > Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward,> quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into> place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found > herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.> The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.>

Three blonds are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses." "We don't have any." replied the first women. "Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden. "But officer," replied the second,"we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river." The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the Game Warden left. As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blonds started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second woman said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?!"

Many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would always turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that you learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.

The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to sea when Towards hooked onto a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw him or the great fish again."

"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been!"

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."

Theo, I'm not sure that was worth the time it took to read it.

Cowboy walks into a bar. Everyone is leaving. He orders a beer, and asks the barkeep:

"Where's everyone going?"

"To a hangin'"

"Who they hangin'"

"Paper Bag Pete"

"Paper Bag Pete? Why do they call him that?

"Cause he makes his clothes out of brown paper bags".

"Why are they hangin' him?

"Rustling"

A kid grew up on a ranch, went to school and moved to the big city. However, every year he went deer hunting back home at his friend's place.

One year, he took one of his coworkers along with him. When they got to his friends ranch, he told his coworker to stay in the pickup while he went in to ask permission to hunt.

He went into the ranch house and told his friend, "this guy is a real city slicker. Let's play a trick on him. You know I want to get a steer from you. I'll go outside and tell this guy that you wouldn't let us hunt, pretend to get mad and shoot a steer. We can butcher it later."

The guy we out to the pickup and said to his coworker, "that SOB wouldn't let us hunt. I'll show him. I'm going to shoot one of his cattle." He got out and shot the steer. All of a sudden he heard another shot. His coworker said, "yea, and I got his horse too, now let's get out of here".

theo and bobad......uugghhhh, is there an emoticon for :head placed down in hands: ?