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#82849 - 03/06/07 09:21 PM Re: Jokes
bz Offline
Lunker

Registered: 05/09/05
Posts: 844
Loc: Minnesota
A guy looked out his window only to see his dog shaking the daylights out of the neighbors rabbit. He had always had a hard time getting along with that neighbor and this would certainly not help. He ran out and grabbed a stick and beat the dog until it dropped the rabbit. The rabbit was bloody, dirty, full of dog spit, and very dead. He grabbed the rabbit and ran into the house. He put it into the bathtub, ran some water, and cleaned the thing up until it looked good as new. He blew dry and combed the hair. He knew the neighbor would not be home from work for a while so he hopped over the fence and put the rabbit back in the rabbit hutch in a natural sitting position. Later the neighbor lady came home. All of a sudden he heard an ear splitting scream from the neighbors yard. He figured she'd be upset but this was over the top. He ran over to the fence and acting as if he had no idea what had happened he asked what was wrong. The neighbor shrieked, "My rabbit, he's dead, he died two weeks ago, we burried him, and he's back!"
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#82850 - 03/06/07 09:29 PM Re: Jokes
Bruce Condello Offline
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Registered: 08/01/04
Posts: 8854
Loc: United States
That's awesome, bz! \:\) \:\) \:\)
_________________________
Holding a redear sunfish is like running with scissors.

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#82851 - 03/06/07 10:53 PM Re: Jokes
Dwight Offline

Administrator
Lunker

Registered: 12/06/04
Posts: 5492
Loc: Minnesota < SW < USA <...
This is a true story.

Students in a biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last test question was: “Name seven advantages of "Mothers Milk." The question is worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, who had partied late the night before, was frustrated to think of seven advantages.

He wrote:
1. It is perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always at the right temperature.
4. It is inexpensive.
5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6. It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang, indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7. It comes in such cute containers.

He got an "A".
_________________________
Life is Good on Bremer Pond

Bremer Pond Weather

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#82852 - 03/06/07 11:51 PM Re: Jokes
burgermeister Offline
Lunker

Registered: 02/27/05
Posts: 4025
Loc: Houston, Tx.
\:D \:D
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#82853 - 03/07/07 06:02 PM Re: Jokes
Shorty Offline
Lunker

Registered: 07/28/05
Posts: 4130
Loc: Raymond, NE
A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. The officer asks the man driving his name.

"Bruce" he replies.

"Bruce what?" the officer asks.

"Just Bruce" the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.

The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.

"Tell me, Bruce, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Bruce Dingaling. I know! A funny last name. Kids used to tease all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency and finally got my degree, so I was Bruce Dingaling, MD.

After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree and then I was Bruce Dingaling, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD.

So now I was Bruce Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD!. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS. Then I was Bruce Dingaling, MD with VD.

Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD so they took away my MD leaving me as Bruce Dingaling with VD.

Then the VD took away my Dingaling so now I am just BRUCE"

The officer did not write up a ticket. \:D \:D \:D
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#82854 - 03/07/07 07:06 PM Re: Jokes
Bing Offline
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Hall of Fame 2014

Lunker

Registered: 05/03/02
Posts: 1600
Loc: Fayette County Illinois
There was a story on this site, but not this post, last week explaning a dog's reactions and then a cat's reactions to their daily life. It was terrific, but I can't find it. Can anyone copy it over to this post, or let me know where to find it?

Bing
_________________________
And now for a lil mechanical engineering....I'm going to put a rear end in my recliner!

Sushi is fish for men who do not know how to build a fire.

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#82855 - 03/07/07 07:25 PM Re: Jokes
Bruce Condello Offline
Moderator
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Field Correspondent

Lunker

Registered: 08/01/04
Posts: 8854
Loc: United States
Is it this one?

Dog & Cat Diarys


Excerpts from a Dog's diary:

8 AM Dog food! My favorite thing!
9 AM A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 AM A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 AM Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
NOON Lunch treats! My favorite thing!
1 PM Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3 PM Got to chew on my Kong toy! My favorite thing!
5 PM Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7 PM Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8 PM Watched TV with my master! My favorite thing!
11 PM Sleeping on the couch! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's diary:

It's day 683 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me
with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh
meat, while the other inmates are fed hash or some sort of dry
nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear,
I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomited on the
floor.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at
their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts,
since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they
merely made condescending comments about "what a good little hunter"
I am. The audacity!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event;
however, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard
that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must
learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one
of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must
try this again tomorrow, this time at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and nitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released
and seems more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicating with the
guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The
captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell,
so he is safe . . .
for now.......................................
_________________________
Holding a redear sunfish is like running with scissors.

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#82856 - 03/07/07 08:23 PM Re: Jokes
Bing Offline
Ambassador
Hall of Fame 2014

Lunker

Registered: 05/03/02
Posts: 1600
Loc: Fayette County Illinois
That's the one. Somehow I relate this to the folks who work in my office. I've got cats and dogs, mostly cats. I gave a copy to each employee. They all enjoyed it, but no one got the connection. for now...............

Bing
_________________________
And now for a lil mechanical engineering....I'm going to put a rear end in my recliner!

Sushi is fish for men who do not know how to build a fire.

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#82857 - 03/07/07 08:52 PM Re: Jokes
Dwight Offline

Administrator
Lunker

Registered: 12/06/04
Posts: 5492
Loc: Minnesota < SW < USA <...
LOL \:D
_________________________
Life is Good on Bremer Pond

Bremer Pond Weather

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#82858 - 03/12/07 04:01 PM Re: Jokes
Winston Offline
Member

Registered: 05/16/06
Posts: 76
Loc: Riverview, FL
Three bucks are in a mountain meadow complaining. They've heard a rumor that a huge buck has entered their area, and they aren't happy about sharing any of their does.

The Alpha buck says, "You know, since we settled our differences and split up the does, I've been pretty happy with MY 30 does. I am not about to share any of MY does with this new buck."

The second toughest buck says, "Yeah, well I ended up with only 20 does, so I can't afford to share any of MY does."

The youngest buck says, "I may only be half as big as you guys, but I'm not going to give up any of My 10 does."

Suddenly the biggest, baddest buck they had ever seen appeared at the edge of the meadow. He must have weighed close to 375 pounds and with huge sweeping antlers. As the huge buck trotted towards the three other bucks the ground seemed to shake.

Suddenly the former Alpha buck is a bit more flexible, "Well, maybe I could spare a FEW does."

The second toughest buck says, "Maybe if I hide in the bushes, he'll leave me alone."

But the small, young buck is snorting, raking the brush and shaking his fledgling antlers in an extremely confrontational way.

Worried about the reckless youngster, the two older bucks trot over to the young buck and say, "Listen, son. It's not worth dying for. Just give the new buck your 10 does."

"He can HAVE my 10 does," replies the young buck, raking the brush and shaking his fledgling antlers again. "I'm just making sure he knows I'm a BUCK!"

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#82859 - 03/13/07 06:23 AM Re: Jokes
jims place Offline
Lunker

Registered: 03/16/06
Posts: 370
Loc: Mulvane, Kansas
A passenger in a taxi leaned forward to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and for a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me." The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he hadn't realized a mere tap on the shoulder would frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 23 years...

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#82860 - 03/13/07 04:37 PM Re: Jokes
Hey Joe Offline
Member

Registered: 09/09/04
Posts: 84
Loc: Pacific NW
Down in a thicket there was a terrible racket, dust flying and snorting. A few minutes later 2 does come walking out. The first doe says to the other.."that's the last time I do that for a couple of bucks..."

Joe

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#82861 - 03/18/07 08:07 AM Re: Jokes
Sunil Offline
Moderator
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Field Correspondent
Hall of Fame 2014

Lunker

Registered: 09/03/03
Posts: 11474
Loc: Somerset, PA
If you've never seen these, there are some good laughs. I tried to edit as much as I could, but there may be a few marginal ones.

Confucius say, difference between peeping tom and pick pocket is pick pocket snatches watches.

Confucius say, virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone

Confucius say, man who do business in whore house get jerked around

Confucius say, panties not best thing on earth, but next to it

Confucius say, war not determine who right. War determine who left

Confucius say, woman who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house

Confucius say, man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night

Confucius say, it take many nail to build crib, one screw to fill it

Confucius say, man who keep feet on ground have trouble putting on pants

Confucius say, if you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient

Confucius say, passionate kiss like spider web, soon lead to undoing of fly

Confucius say, woman who go camping must beware of evil intent

Confucius say, squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts

Confucius say, man who run before bus get tired
Confucius say, man who run behind bus get exhausted

Confucius say, man who make love on side of hill not on level

Confucius say, sex is like the army, the closer you are to discharge, the better you feel

Confucius say, man with tight trousers is pressing his luck

Confucius say, man who stand on toilet high on pot

Confucius say, man who eat crackers in bed wake up feeling crummy

Confucius say, man with hand in pocket all day not crazy, just feeling nuts

Confucius say, man who sleep in bed of nails is holy

Confucius say, do not drink and park, accidents cause people

Confucius say, man who put pea in soup very unclean

Confucius say, man who run through airport turnstile backward going to Bangkok

Confucius say, man who fishes in another woman's well, often catches crab

Confucius say, butcher who back into meat grinder get a little behind in his orders

Confucius say, man who live in glass house, should change in basement

Confucius say, man who shoot off mouth, must expect to lose face

Confucius say, man with big mouth beware of foot

Confucius say, man who fart in church, sit in own pew

Confucius say, woman who fly upside down have crack up

Confucius say, man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion

Confucius say, man under wheelbarrow playing with tool, not necessarily mechanic

Confucius say, house without bathroom is uncanny

Confucius say, man who throws dirt is losing ground

Confucius say, man who lay woman on ground, get piece on earth

Confucius say, man who get kicked in testicles, left holding the bag

Confucius say, man who buy drowned cat, get wet pussy

Confucius say, man trapped in pantry, have ass in jam

Confucius say, girl who sit on jockey's lap get hot tip

Confucius say, girl who sit on judge's lap get honorable discharge

Confucius say, waitress who sit on leper's lap, keep tip

Confucius say, man who snort coke, get bubbles up nose

Confucius say, cow with no legs, ground beef

Confucius say, two wrongs not make right, but two rights make U-turn

Confucius say, baby born in car with automatic transmission, grow to become shiftless bastard

Confucius say, finding old man in dark, not hard

Confucius say, man who smoke pot, choke on handle

Confucius say, man with head on railroad track, listening for train to come, get splitting headache

Confucius say, man who sneeze without tissue take matter into own hands

Confucius say, secretary become permanent fixture, when screwed on desk

Confucius say, man who drive like hell, bound to get there

Confucius say, man who sit on tack, get point

Confucius say, man who put cream in tart, not always baker

Confucius say, woman who spend much time on bedspring, may get offspring

Confucius say, woman who dance wearing jock strap, have make believe ballroom

Confucius say, support bacteria - is only culture some people have

Confucius say, man with athletic finger, make broad jump

Confucius say, man who sit on upturned tack, rise above all

Confucius say, wash face in morning, neck at night

Confucius say, man who have last laugh, not get joke

Confucius say, man who sleep with old hen, find it better than pullet

Confucius say, men may have more hair on chest than woman, but on the whole, women have more

Confucius say, man who push piano down mine shaft, likely to get A flat minor

Confucius say, man who put face in punchbowl, get punch in nose

Confucius say, woman who sink in man's arms, soon have arms in man's sink

--------------------------------

Moderation, Round 1 - Theo
_________________________
Excerpt from Robert Crais' "The Monkey's Raincoat:"
"She took another microscopic bite of her sandwich, then pushed it away. Maybe she absorbed nutrients from her surroundings."


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#82862 - 03/18/07 08:47 AM Re: Jokes
Theo Gallus Offline
Moderator
Lunker

Registered: 05/14/04
Posts: 12364
Loc: Central Ohio
Okay, folks, let's have a big round of applause for Sunil "Shecky" Ramchandran. He'll be doing 2 shows a night at the lovely Wyndham Hotel in Arlington, Texas, next week, performing all the sideslappingly funny material too risque for your friendly neighborhood moderators to allow here. Don't miss it!

Sunil: Remind me to tell the one about the Scotsman at the Baseball game.
_________________________

Non carborundum illegitimatus!
(totus res in temperantia)

I subscribe, but won't pay Photobucket.

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#82863 - 03/18/07 09:11 AM Re: Jokes
ewest Offline
Moderator
Hall of Fame 2014

Lunker

Registered: 03/08/05
Posts: 19332
Loc: Miss.
Sunil good laughs for adults - not for kids. Confucius say sum of the parts = part got to go ; after a few more adult folks have time to read it. \:D
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#82864 - 03/18/07 09:27 AM Re: Jokes
Bruce Condello Offline
Moderator
Ambassador
Field Correspondent

Lunker

Registered: 08/01/04
Posts: 8854
Loc: United States
That was after he edited it???
_________________________
Holding a redear sunfish is like running with scissors.

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#82865 - 03/18/07 11:49 AM Re: Jokes
bobad Offline
Lunker

Registered: 06/02/05
Posts: 2365
Loc: Eunice, Louisiana
Sunil: Confucius say, Man who lose girfriend's apartment key get no newkey.

Confucius say, lady who slide down bannister make monkeyshine.
_________________________
Shrimp

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#82866 - 03/18/07 01:51 PM Re: Jokes
Theo Gallus Offline
Moderator
Lunker

Registered: 05/14/04
Posts: 12364
Loc: Central Ohio
"Nip it in the bud, Andy!"

-Barney Fife, M.D. (Mayberry Deputy)
_________________________

Non carborundum illegitimatus!
(totus res in temperantia)

I subscribe, but won't pay Photobucket.

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#82867 - 03/18/07 03:16 PM Re: Jokes
Eastland Offline
Lunker

Registered: 04/20/03
Posts: 1039
Loc: Dallas TX
Sunil, even post-edited, marginal is a stretch, they are funny though..."tart" hahahaha.

Winston's joke takes the cake, I laugh just thinking about it \:D

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