Pond Boss Forums INTRO Questions & Observations Humor for those of us with cabin fever

According to my fish, they have very strong "Feelings, woh-woh-woh feelings" and "Get misty, just holding my hand."

Deb - Your fish joke kind of reminded me of a joke Jeff Foxworthy told where one fish was telling a second fish about his near death experience. I remembered being pulled toward a bright light and I saw God, and God was wearing a budweiser hat, and all around me were my dead relatives, and then God spoke to me and said.. "It is not yet your time" and here I am. p.s. Forgive me Jeff if I screwed that joke up.

After their 11th child, an East Texas couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have anymore children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in East Texas) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The East Texan said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count...

"1"


"2"


"3"


"4"


"5"


At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and
resumed counting on his other hand.

One could probably safely substitute "Georgia" or other areas for "East Texas".

A man comes home with a sheep under his arm. Walks upstairs into the bedroom and says "Honey, here's the pig I've been sleeping with." His wife responds "that's no pig you moron, it's a sheep". The husband says "shut-up, I wasn't talking to you."

Good ones ya'll.

Deb, that Alabama/Georgia thing can be reversed. This is "no lie".

A Georgia man won the 60 million dollar lottery. He was asked what he intended to do with the money. " Buy a doublewide and move to Alabama", was his reply.

Movin' on up!

BM, I know that guy! After he moved to Alabama, he went into a Home Depot and told the clerk he wanted some 2x4s. The clerk said "how long do you want them" and this guys says "hell, I want to keep 'em".

Sorta like the Texas A & M grad that moved from Texas to Oklahoma and raised the IQ level of both states.

Ha Burger! My driver (who is a nut) called me last Spring dead serious that he had gotten a ticket in Alabama. I said "David were you overweight?" He said "nope". I said "well were you speeding?" He said "nope". I then asked what in the world he had gotten a ticket in Alabama for. He said "cause I was wearing shoes".

that may bring some Roll Tiders/Tigers,Plainsmen,War Eaglers out of the woodwork!

An ole boy, Junior, was riding with me late one night and had been asleep. We got pulled over. The patrolman woke him up and asked, "you got any id", Junior said, "bout whut?'

Deb, you're doing pretty well. Where do you get your material?

Hang in there, Babe. You show potential.

And, my dear Debra, how many fish did you sell yesterday?

A sales exec from Houston sent his salesman to Mobile, Al. for sales calls. When he returned the boss asked how he enjoyed the trip, and particularly Alabama. The salesman replied, "that place sucks; aint nothing there but whores and football players." The boss said, well, my wife is from Alabama. The salesman asked, "Oh, what position did she play?"

None darlin', and that is why I am actively going after the comedic route.

But I am also a psychic, so I know your next comment will be "keep your day job".

Gee Deb, it looks like you did some editing/deleting after you "left the building" last night.

Why did you leave this last joke?

Deb, that one deleted must have been a doozy.
Sorry I missed it. Past my bedtime. No, really, installing a radar on a ship from 4pm til 1AM.

Back at you Deb:

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces. These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, the American flag or Jesus.

and...

5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Monday.

Now THAT was good! Glad to see you could free up some time to join me on tour!

all redneck jokes are acceptaable.

Redneck Translations


Artery.........................The study of paintings
Benign.......................What you be after you be eight
Bacteria.....................Back door to cafeteria
Barium.......................What doctors do when patients die
Cesarean Section....A neighborhood in Rome
Catscan.....................Searching for Kitty
Cauterize..................Made eye contact with her
Colic...........................A sheep dog
Coma.........................A punctuation mark
D&C...........................Where Washington is
Dilate.........................To live long
Enema.......................Not a friend
Fester.........................Quicker than someone else
Fibula.........................A small lie
G.I.Series..................World Series of military baseball
Hangnail...................What you hang your coat on
Impotent....................Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain...............Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff............A Doctor's cane
Morbid.......................A higher offer than I bid
Nitrates.....................Cheaper than day rates
Node.........................I knew it
Outpatient.................A person who has fainted
Pap Smear...............A fatherhood test
Pelvis........................Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative.........A letter carrier
Recovery Room.......Place to do upholstery
Rectum......................Darn near killed him
Secretion...................Hiding something
Seizure......................Roman emperor
Tablet.........................A small table
Terminal Illness.......Getting sick at the airport
Tumor........................More than one
Urine..........................Opposite of you're out
Varicose....................Near by

Good one's. I guess I easily fall into the redneck catagory because I always giggle at the term catscan. I get a vivid visual of a doctor slinging a cat around the room by its hind legs just to "check things out". Mind you I love cats (my Yoda is 26 lbs and Gidget is 8 lbs, plus I worked throughout highschool and junior college as a vet tech), but the term just gets me tickled.

This is my last one:
Bob was in real trouble - he forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was furious. She ranted and raved forever and finally screamed "all I can say mister, is that there better be something in the driveway tomorrow that goes from zero to 200 in 2 seconds". The next morning she went out to the driveway and found a set of bathroom scales!!!

Here is another funny post on dam beaver :

http://www.pondboss.com/ubb/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=3;t=000091;p=1#000004

If you find a funny PB post add it here so maybe we can find it again.

Hey, ewest! I thought they were on this thread!

http://www.pondboss.com/ubb/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=20;t=002291

Far be it from me to disagree with the Pond Boss librarian. :p