POND BOSS NEWS
Breaking Stories from Around the World of Pond Boss
Dateline April 1, 2005
(LINCOLN, NEBRASKA) Dentist and Pond A-fish-ianado Bruce Condello announced that he has successfully developed pharyngeal false teeth for Bluegills. “Now they can eat snails just like Redear Sunfish, which typically do not thrive as far North and West as Nebraska.” said Condello, adding “The hard part was coming up with a variant of Dentu-Grip which remains permanently affixed in water which is Ph and alkalinity balanced to sustain a dense plankton bloom.”
With the new mollusk food source adding to the abundant food in Condello’s closely managed ponds, not to mention his supplemental feeding program, Dr. Bruce now has Bluegills pushing the 10 pound mark. He expects to produce 20 pound ‘gills within the next two years.
State and Provincial Natural Resource officials from Ohio, Michigan, and Ontario have approached Condello to see how soon he could provide them with 2.5 million giant, dentally enhanced Bluegills, with the intent of eliminating Zebra Mussels from first Lake Erie and subsequently the remainder of the Great Lakes. Stay tuned for further developments.
(LIGONIER, INDIANA) Cecil Baird, fish taxidermist and niche market aquaculturist, has produced a 33” 16 pound yellow perch. What makes this feat even more amazing is that this particular fish was one of 20 perch living in a 5 gallon aquarium for three years after Baird stocked them there as 9” – 10” feed trained juveniles.
The $10 children’s aquarium is fitted with sophisticated oxygenation and water filtration/recirculation systems which cost Baird an estimated $15,000. The investment and hard work have paid off, however, as the humongous perch sold for a record $1.2 million at a recent auction. The fish’s new owners, the Long John Silver’s sea food chain, plan to use the perch as their “spokes-fish” in a new series of advertisements. As for Cecil Baird, he has already committed the monetary proceeds from the perch sale for the construction of new ponds and the acquisition of additional aquaculture hardware.
(MALINTA, OHIO) Over two dozen FBI agents converged on Malinta today in what was intended to be a raid on a major coordinated “denial of service” attack on the internet. The Feds were embarrassed, however, to discover that the World Wide Web blockage was due to the hubbub over Algal & Invertebrate Taxonomist Bill Cody’s latest post at the popular website for “Pond Boss” magazine. FBI Special Agent in Charge Moron E. Chrysops stated that the Internet could have (barely) handled “Commando” Cody’s long-awaited 246 page treatise, but that the web was brought to a standstill (see Internet Traffic Report archived here:
Internet Traffic Report - Commando Cody Crash ) by some 1500 Pond Boss viewers simultaneously trying to download the post. “They just kept making thousands of posts of their own, asking when the information on water fleas and scuds would be available, while they waited for Cody to complete his post.” SAIC Chrysops said, adding “Al Gore never anticipated the popularity of Bill Cody when he invented the Internet.”
(TEXAS) Retired NASA Rocket Scientist Larry “Meadowlark” Hartley has developed a strain of hybrid Tilapia that is capable of ambushing and drowning Double Crested Cormorants. The hybrids, a cross between Nile and Mozambique Tilapia which Hartley further screens for aggressiveness and upper body strength, are capable of holding a diving Cormorant underwater until it loses consciousness and expires. Hartley states that a pond full of the new Tilapia can decimate an entire colony of the dreaded “water turkeys” in less than 24 hours. “Plus,” he adds, “they’re great forage for bass!”
Larry Hartley was previously best known for his promotion of the proposed holiday “Thanksgiving in June.” In a 2003 interview, he claimed “Thanksgiving in June is the perfect warm-up to get people ready for Christmas in July. I will not rest until every family in America sits down to give thanks for a successful Bass spawn by having a big meal of roast water turkey stuffed with heron dressing.”
Hartley’s next project is a joint effort with fellow Texan George Glazener to find a way to convert waterlogged Cormorant carcasses into an “Amnesia Potion” which will make Largemouth Bass forget that they are hook-shy.
Stories compiled by correspondent Theo Gallus
Visuals courtesy of Von Trapp Family Idiots
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