I'll go first:


Chicken wire

Sitting on my porch drinking my morning coffee. A boy was walking down the street dragging some chicken wire. I asked the boy what he was doing with that chicken wire. He said he was going to catch some chickens. I said boy you can't catch no chickens with that wire. Its for keeping chickens in a pen.
He said I will catch some chickens and took off. Several hours later he came back by with about 10 chickens all bound up in that wire. I said boy how you catch them chickens? He said you don’t worry about it and kept walking.

Next morning same boy walks by with a roll of duck tape. I said boy what you doing with that duck tape. He said I am going to catch me some ducks. I said boy I know your crazy now, you cant catch no ducks with duck tape.


I’ll catch them ducks, and off he went. Several hours later here he comes with about 30 ducks all wound up in duck tape. I said boy how did you catch them ducks. He said don’t you worry about and kept walking.

Next morning here he comes again dragging a branch. I said boy where you going with that branch & what kind of tree did that come from.
Boys said it’s a pussy willow limb, I said hold on let me get my hat I am coming with you.

My favorite animal.....


Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.Myparents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now?

Whats the difference between a woman from Indiana and a catfish? One has whiskers and stinks, the other is a fish.

You know what the blind man said that passed the fish market? Hellooooooo Ladies!

Something tells me it's a matter of time before someone gets offended by this thread.

That might depend on how clean it stays. Remember Bob's rules.

Gotta love those kids and "chicken wire"! Nice one Cecil .

State troopers have an open door policy... They open their cruiser door, you're getting a ticket.

As I was leaving the lake, the Game and Parks guy asked to look in my cooler. Once he saw that it was full of fish he started to get out his book.

Whatcha doin I asked?

Son, do you realize the fine for having so many fish when there's obviously a limit to what you can keep?

Realizing he was new and having to think fast, I said "I didn't catch those, they're my pet fish, and they're trained". He kept writing.

"Officer, I'm serious, and I can prove it!" "I bring them from home to let them swim in the lake, then when I whistle they come back and I take 'em back home!"

Seeing his befuddled look I take the cooler to the shore, pour out the fish, close up the cooler and start walking to my truck.

The officer says "wait right there buddy! Whistle them fish back in"

I just simply looked at him and said "what fish?"

Did you hear about the Texas State Trooper hiding behind the overpass but not having any luck with anyone speeding? Finally a guy goes flying by and gets pulled over. The trooper says, "Son I've been waiting for you all day!" Without skipping a beat the guy replies, "Well I got here as fast as I could!".

Question: How do you catch a unique rabbit?



Answer: Unique up on it.

Little Johnny comes down to breakfast and sees nothing on the table.
Johnny: mom, where is my breakfast?
Mom: you have to do your chores first.
Little Johnny leaves and comes back to find a bowl of cereal at the table.
Johnny: where is the milk for my cereal?
Mom: I saw you kick one of the cows when you were feeding them, so no milk for a
week for you.
Johnny: well then, where are my eggs and bacon?
Mom: I saw you kick the chickens when you were feeding them and the pigs too, so
no eggs and bacon for a week.
At that moment little Johnny's dad comes down stairs and kicks the cat half way across the room.
Johnny: Mom, should I tell him or do you want to?

It's so dry at Lake Arrowhead we have catfish that are 3 years old and don't know how to swim.

Putin: Knock, knock

Obama: Who's there?

Putin: Crimea

Obama: Crimea who?

Putin: Cry me a river.

Weird Monkey

Two guys were at a zoo feeding monkeys. They noticed that one particular monkey would catch the peanuts and stick each one up his butt before eating it!
A zoo attendant came by and they showed what the monkey was doing.
The zoo attendant stated " Oh, that's Roscoe --some folks from Arkansas came by a few weeks ago and throwed him some peaches. He ate seeds and all and the seeds tore his a**hole up and he now checks everything before eating!"

Undeniable Adult Truths

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection, again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Jeans? Jeans never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey -
but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1 .7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

esshup...#25, You can't pull your knee up to your chin when putting your socks on any more.

#26, If its to loud, you're to old .

An 80 year old Man goes to the doctor for a check up. The doctor asks him, "Anything new?" The old man proudly says, "Heck yeah I got my 22 year old wife pregnant!"

The doctor replies with, "Hmmm... Are you sure? The old man not liking his tone says, "What do you mean?"

The doctors says, "Regarding the Kennedy assassination what do you really think?"

The old man perks up and says, "Well obviously there were two shooters!"

"My point exactly'" says the doctor.

why did sally fall out of the swing?
because she had no arms


knock knock
who's there
it ain't sally

ATTENTION MEN......Health Care ALERT

Let this be a warning to those of you who drink beer!



This is alarming


Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!





Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.


It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:-




1) Argued over nothing.



2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.




3) Gained weight.




4) Talked excessively without making sense.





5) Became overly emotional





6) Couldn't drive.





7) Failed to think rationally, and





8) Had to sit down while urinating.



No further testing was considered necessary!!

Hmmm.....a couple of obvious responses leap to mind, but discretion triumphs.

Mrs Brown and her hubby are shopping in their local supermarket.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks Mrs Brown.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, Mrs Brown picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks her husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she replies.

Her husband retorts:

"So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."

Last time I saw Mr Brown- he was sprawled out on the floor in Aisle 5.

New aquaculture species. Said to grow to 300# within 6 months if given the proper food. There's rumors that it is on the ballot to be the Arkansas state fish.



Called an Arkansas Razorfin.

The hams look a little small on that thing.

Did you hear that Obama had to go to the proctologist?

Yea...he couldn't stop Putin.

What did one strawberry say to the other strawberry...........
...If you weren't so sweet we wouldn't be in this jam.

Why can't you trust atom's.............
......because they make up everything!

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.
"On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Couple of minutes ago."

Two peanuts were walking down the street.

One was a salted.

Keep them coming - I can actually use some of these in my next speech.

Driver definitions....

Moron...Anyone driving 10mph slower than you.

Maniac...Anyone driving 10mph faster than you.

Jackass...Anyone in your lane, driving just slightly under the same speed as you.

So this husband every morning would wake his wife up with the most un godly explosive FART. This has been going on for years and one morning the wife says. You know.... one of these days your going to blow your innards out your butt. The husband just laughed it off and kept it up.

The wife decides I will fix you. One morning that she had been thawing out a chicken to cook for supper she had an idea. She thought I am going to show him. She took the giblets from the chicken and warmed them up. Sneaked into the bed room and slipped them down the back of his shorts.

Shortly after she had completed the job the husband lets out his morning fart. AHHH What the!! then complete silents. Silents for way to long and just as the wife was about to go check on her husband he came walking funny into the kitchen. The wife with a smirk on her face... was just about to ask "what happened?" when the husband says.

" Honey I thought it happened.... I thought I farted my guts out but by the grace of god, my two fingers and that jar of Vaseline in the bathroom I got everything back in! "

So this guy runs into this cafe looking all around like he is scared or something is wrong.

He says to the guy behind the counter man hurry give me some coffee before the trouble starts! So the guy poors him a cup of coffee and he is drinking it down and looking all over the place real nervous like. He slaps that cup down and says man give me some more coffee before the trouble starts! So the guy poors him some more coffee looking confused and the guy drinks it down looking even more upset and on edge! He says one more time please give me some more coffee before all the trouble starts! The guy poors him the coffee and while he is drinking it the guy behind the counter asks him what's the trouble your talking about?? The guy slams the coffee down on the counter and looks around and says I DONT HAVE ANY MONEY!!! And runs out the door!!!

RC

A robber enters a bank, immediately tells everyone to lie down and look at the floor, saying that if no one looks at him, then no one gets hurt. He proceeds to collect all the tellers' cash. On his way out the door, a guy looks up at him and is instantly shot. A second guy does the same, with the same result. An old guy is lying in the floor, still facing the floor, laughing loudly. The robber asked him "what's so funny?"

He said "Nothing really...but I think you ought to know that my wife got a good look at you!"

A blonde Police officer pulls over a blonde speeder. The officer asks the driver for her license, The driver searches her purse frantically trying to comply and eventually asks the officer what it looks like. The officer explains it is about the size of a credit card and has her picture on it. The driver says, "Oh! That is attached on the side of my purse, silly me!" The blonde officer looks at the small mirror on the driver's purse and says, "OH! I'm sorry! You can go on your way...I didn't realize you were also a Police officer!"

Top Ten Truthful Caddies
By their very nature, Insurance Agents and Brokers are Golfers….
Here’s some that should tickle the Nine Iron:

#10
Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

#9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

#8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

#7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

#6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

#5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a
distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

#4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

#3
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

#2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

and the #1 best caddy comment:

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

$5.37!

That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.

I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher.
Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me.
"Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet? A mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind!

"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus:
The car seat in the back seat.
Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.
A partially eaten dough nut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.
That is when Ifelt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"

All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"?
At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck,and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."
I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone. Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was that I had successfully found my way home.

Mobilus, hilarious (sp)!!! Now put your teeth back in and get ready for a cold burrito (It just DEPENDS). JK buddy, great post!

Mark, that story hits too close to home.

I'm retired but robbed the cradle when I remarried 20 something years ago. In other words, my dearly beloved child bride is too young to retire. So, when she heads out the door in the morning, she makes me a list of "honey do's". I resent that. I don't need a list. However, she never puts the list where I can find it. That's just rude and I think she is messing with my perfectly sound mind.

Another thing. Why does the automobile industry make so many pickups the same color? Why do they all seem to park in the same parking lot that I use? Why do they build more than one parking lot? I think it is a commie plot.

You know that people need to wear their glasses when waitresses start calling you sweetie.

What's wrong with cameras these days? Pics of me look nothing like the guy I see in the mirror.

Occasionally the class of 1960 gets together for a High School reunion or lunches. Those old people really need to wear their glasses because so many don't recognize me.

There's more but I'll have to get back when I remember what they are.

Good ones, Dave!

My wife is constantly saying that my hearing is diminishing. She says that she ought to know, and that I ought to trust her in this...after all, she is an interpreter for the Deaf and sees these things all the time.

My audiology test that I take for work each year shows that my hearing is just fine.

I think what this proves is that while my dear wife is a wonderful sign language interpreter, she's no psychologist.

I used to sit in amazement at old couples that seemed to not even hear their spouses at times, yet at other times were keenly aware of both verbal and non-verbal messages from each other. After a combined total of more than 25 years marriage, I understand that there's many forms of "hearing".

So here's another joke:

Two senior couples are walking along, wives in front, husbands in back. Herb says to Sam:" Gee, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Good prices too."
Sam says, "Well, we like to eat out too. What was the name of the restaurant?"
Herb says: "You'll going to have to help me out here a little. What's the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, grows on a thorny bush?"
Sam says, "How about rose?"
"Yes, yes, that's it!" cries Herb, then calls ahead to his wife.
"Rose. Hey, Rose. What was the name of the restaurant we ate at last night?"

I now have hearing aids but don't wear them as often as I'm supposed to. I bought the economy ones at $4,300. I spent a lifetime with guns, outboard motors, farm equipment and early computer equipment that had an almost inaudible high whine.

True story here. The Audiologist asked why I thought I needed hearing aids. I said that my Wife made the appointment for me. Her memory is getting bad because she keeps forgetting to tell me things that I don't know need doing. I'm starting to worry about her. She seems to mumble a lot. And, when she is in the kitchen, I'm often on the PC a couple of rooms away with the wall in the way when she talks to me in a very low voice. I can't understand her and I think she might be losing her voice along with her mind. Yeah, I'm thinking about making a couple of Dr. appointments for her. The Audiologist listened patiently and said that there wasn't one damn thing he could do for me. He said that I needed to retrain my Wife. And, if it worked, let him know how I did it. However, since I was there, we might as well do a hearing test since I was putting a lot of stress on my ears trying to hear her. Yep, I knew it. She ruined my ears.

a little medical humor...

The Painter's Vision

A world famous painter started losing her eyesight in the prime of her career.

After several surgeries and weeks of therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter decided to show her gratitude to her ophthalmologist by painting a mural with pairs of eyes in every shade and shape all over his office walls. The detail of the lashes and every blood vessel on the eyeball was astounding!

When she finished, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art. One reporter asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office?"

"Thank God I'm not a gynecologist."

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away . The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000. The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home. The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????"The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead . I just can’t take that chance!"

Passed by a Church on M120 today.

Sign out front said,

"Wish Noah would have swatted those two skeeters"

A Cowboy from Sweetwater, Texas walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Cowboy handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The ole Cowboy produced the title, and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the cowboy from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and safely parked it.

Two weeks later, the ole Cowboy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumnus of Texas A&M, a highly sophisticated investor and a multimillionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The good 'ole Texas boy replied, “Well, where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?”

A man retires, and starts saving cash until he has 50 grand. He tells his wife that the money is to be buried with him in his coffin. Time passes and the man dies. At the funeral, his wife places a small box next to him before the coffin is closed.

After the funeral one of the daughters comes up and asks her mom, "Mom did you really leave that $50,000 with dad?" The mother replied, "Yes, I wrote him a check."