Hurricane preparedness - 08/06/06 09:05 PM
>
> To ex-Louisianans, present Louisianans, and future Louisianans:
>
>
> Louisiana Hurricane Season Notes We're now full swing into hurricane
> season. In the coming months, you're going to turn on the TV and see a
> weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico
> and making two basic meteorological points:
>
> (1) There is no need to panic.
> (2) We could all be killed.
>
> Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Louisiana . If
> you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do
> to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one."
> Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple
> three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
>
> STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at
> least three days.
> STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
> STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.
>
> Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this
> sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Louisiana.
> We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
>
> HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:
>
> If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately,
> this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets
> two basic
> requirements:
>
> (1) It is reasonably well-built, and (2) It is located in Nebraska .
>
> Unfortunately, if your home is located in South Louisiana, or any
> other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance
> companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because
> then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly
> not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So
> you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will
> charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of
your house.
>
> At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since
> Hurricane George, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance
> companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance
> Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium,
> Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
>
> SHUTTERS:
>
> Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the
> doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are
> several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
>
> Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them
> yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make
> them yourself, they will fall off.
>
> Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you
> get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up,
> your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
>
> Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use,
> and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you
> will have to sell your house to pay for them.
>
> "Hurricane-proof" windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane
> protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand
> hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so.
> He lives in Nebraska .
>
> Hurricane Proofing Your Property:
>
> As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like
> barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc.
> You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool
> (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built
immediately).
> Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly
> missiles.
>
> EVACUATION ROUTE:
>
> If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route
> planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look
> at your driver's license; if it says " Louisiana ," you live in a
> low-lying
> area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being
> trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be
> trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along
> with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not
> be lonely.
>
> HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
>
> If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy
> them now! Louisiana tradition requires that you wait until the last
> possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious
> fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.
>
> In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
>
> 23 flashlights At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when
> the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
>
> Bleach (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the
> bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)
>
> A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
>
> A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a
> hurricane, but it looks cool.)
>
> A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask
> anybody who went through Camille; after the hurricane, there WILL be
> irate
> alligators.)
>
> $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you
> can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
>
> Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws
> near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation
> by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain
> slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how
> vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
>
> Good luck
> To ex-Louisianans, present Louisianans, and future Louisianans:
>
>
> Louisiana Hurricane Season Notes We're now full swing into hurricane
> season. In the coming months, you're going to turn on the TV and see a
> weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico
> and making two basic meteorological points:
>
> (1) There is no need to panic.
> (2) We could all be killed.
>
> Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Louisiana . If
> you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do
> to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one."
> Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple
> three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
>
> STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at
> least three days.
> STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
> STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.
>
> Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this
> sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Louisiana.
> We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
>
> HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:
>
> If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately,
> this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets
> two basic
> requirements:
>
> (1) It is reasonably well-built, and (2) It is located in Nebraska .
>
> Unfortunately, if your home is located in South Louisiana, or any
> other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance
> companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because
> then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly
> not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So
> you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will
> charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of
your house.
>
> At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since
> Hurricane George, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance
> companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance
> Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium,
> Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
>
> SHUTTERS:
>
> Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the
> doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are
> several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
>
> Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them
> yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make
> them yourself, they will fall off.
>
> Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you
> get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up,
> your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
>
> Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use,
> and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you
> will have to sell your house to pay for them.
>
> "Hurricane-proof" windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane
> protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand
> hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so.
> He lives in Nebraska .
>
> Hurricane Proofing Your Property:
>
> As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like
> barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc.
> You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool
> (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built
immediately).
> Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly
> missiles.
>
> EVACUATION ROUTE:
>
> If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route
> planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look
> at your driver's license; if it says " Louisiana ," you live in a
> low-lying
> area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being
> trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be
> trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along
> with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not
> be lonely.
>
> HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
>
> If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy
> them now! Louisiana tradition requires that you wait until the last
> possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious
> fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.
>
> In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
>
> 23 flashlights At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when
> the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
>
> Bleach (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the
> bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)
>
> A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
>
> A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a
> hurricane, but it looks cool.)
>
> A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask
> anybody who went through Camille; after the hurricane, there WILL be
> irate
> alligators.)
>
> $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you
> can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
>
> Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws
> near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation
> by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain
> slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how
> vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
>
> Good luck