Eric :
On a much less serious note here is the fictitious study you inquired about only as it relates to your recent spider hole discovery (alleged discovery of brain life in your pond).
TITLE
The Existence of Pond Spider Brain Cells and Their Ability To Confuse Pond Owners About Their Cause and Effect Relationship.
ABSTRACT
There has been much recent speculation as to the existence and proximate cause of small openings in pond ice with radiating irregular fractures which to some pond owners have been alternatively and allegedly caused by current day pirates of the Carrib.(as they manipulate global warming or otherwise extract their revenge) or by a newly discovered intelligent life form designated as Spiderus Braincellus Fictitious. This study was undertaken to test the very limited and questionable observations of selected pond owners related to the two hypostasis and establish a foundation, if it exists ,for this new exotic/alien life form or in the alternative establish the cause of the ice features including if current day pirates were involved.
After limited efforts, little calculation questionable scientific methods and influenced only by the PondBoss forum and based on one set of fictitious mDNA tests the conclusion is mixed, but certain ,with aspects of each hyp. being true.
Our conclusion is the spider holes were not a new life form but exhibited the very limited brain function of one very cold half frozen pirate (Black Jack Kidd variety -hereafter BJK) as he attempted to do yellow perch observations from his boogie board pirate skiff on lightly frozen ponds on a recent return trip in search of the super secret BG pond identified as being in the northeast USA by CB1. The mDNA gathered from the area of most of the spider holes were of pirate origin (Black Jack Kidd variety) and from the skin of the foot area . It seems that BJK was returning from an excursion in search of the secret pond containing larger than life male BG when he decided to do YP growth rate observations on a string of lightly frozen lakes on his return trip. The lakes run in a line from Maine to NY to Penn. to Neb. with each having been reported by pond observers - note location of PB observers Eric , CB1, Sunil, Theo and Shorty. It appears that prior similar observations at B Cody pond ( known to have an outstanding YP population) must have occurred on prior trips and that BJK avoided this location in fear that he would be discovered by a superior scientific investigator. The evidence suggests that as BJK tried to use his pirate skiff/ boogie board to do YP observations when his unprotected foot (pirates of the Carr. don't wear shoes) contacted the ice it stuck and parts of the skin remained at each spider hole where his foot contacted the ice as he franticly attempt to extract the research vessel and its occupant. Thus the irregular pattern/fractures and skin source for mDNA tests. The pond owners observations were accurate to a limited extent but it is theorized that due to the absence of long-haired posts for a short time on the PB forum they were slightly delusional as to their new life form/genetic observations (this is now designated a behavioral disorder "PB longhair-lackus "). We can not disprove the possibility that there was some limited brain function- new life form (YP avoiding observation , and frozen pirate extraction) occurring or that in time the excised pirate skin in first contact with abundant pond life would have mutated into a new and brilliant life form designated Dr. Frankenbruce. More input , facts and observation are needed from future studies to more accurately confirm these conclusions but it is feared that such events will be limited due to the limited foot skin remaining on BJK's pirate feet. It is therefore concluded that this is a once a year event limited to northern (Yankee) ponds which happens prior to total freeze over , ice fishing and SAD onset frozen tundra effect.
From the Unofficial PB librarian--links
[ Not translated into Germanic ]
-------------------------------------------------
Merry Christmas and I hope in the season of joy this brought a smile . It is as much a parody of the writer's status as the people and events.