Please feel free to laugh hysterically at this. In the end ;\) all turned out well.

Several years ago, on a early September day, I was cutting some shooting lanes on land that my hunt club was leasing. I had come prepared and carried a folding ladder and my machette about a mile back in the woods.(Isn't this how all good stories start) I was cutting some thick saplings/tree branches around the stand and was on and off the ladder. As I finished the last of my foliage wacking with the machette, I for some reason decided to hop backwards off the ladder, instead of stepping down each step individually.(Please note error in judgement occurred here)

Unfortunately, In the path of my descent was a freshly sliced green limb (cut to a nice point I may add, and at just the right angle) to puncture through my shorts and significanlty into my inner left cheek. (Hold the banjo music, it wasn't that inner, but yes it was that cheek) At first I didnt't realize what had happened, this was most likely due to my lack of consciousness as I somehow passed out and fell off the stick simultaneously. Upon waking I soon discovered I had some issues.

I had a wound that was bleeding significantly enough that when I came to, my entire leg was covered in blood. Being in the medical field I was aware that this was not optimal, I had learned blood was much more useful when kept inside your body. I was a mile back in the woods, and many more miles than that from cell phone service.

At this point I knew I had to stop the bleeding first. I removed my shirt and the only thing I could think of to do was to make some type of tourniquet around my leg and my rear to apply pressure to the area. I encourage those of you with some time on your hands to try to tourniquet your rear end with a t-shirt, and make sure you can walk, it really just can't be done without looking like a fool. Please don't let your wives see you do this, but it makes a great party game/ icebreaker. Maybe a fun drinking game at the net PB conference.

Anywho, so I wander out of the woods shirtless, bleeding and my
a## in a sling (couldn't resist)(banjo music would be appropriate now)

Finally get to the truck, drive a bit and get cell service. Call my wife to meet me at the house on the way to the hospital because I was feeling dizzy, and wasn't sure I could make it driving myself.

My wife arrives home to a trail of footprints from my truck to the house and inside. She quickly inspects things (she's medical too) and says I need to get my a## to the ER (will the jokes never END, get it END).

Now here is where it gets weird, I knew nearly everyone in the hospital, do I really want to go where I work and be admitted for having a stick in my a##? In the end that's what happened, I called ahead, they cleared out an ER room for me, and I met many many people that evening in the face down rear up position. This really did take the pressure off remembering names and faces. I became more intimately familiar with my surgeon than I wanted to be, and of course was told by all the hilarious ER staff every rear end joke they could think of. Because of the depth of the puncture, I was scheduled for exploratory surgery, but that turned out to be unnecessary, and all the important parts are healed and functioning 100%

My wife still thinks I should have had the surgery, because she still thinks I have a stick ..... well you know.